It was one breezy evening during one of the many hormonal changing weeks that led me to reflect on the last few years of my life. I recalled those burnt weekends I struggled to complete my assignments, prepared for exams; the evenings I had to click-clock to school in my high heels and my ultra heavy bag and I actually miss those days, the impending datelines, and the stress that was constantly hot on my heels.
As memory continued to rewind, I recalled the days when I was packing up the past. That moment when the decision was made and the relief I felt when I did so. I knew then that life would be very different altogether. It has been indeed. 2½ years on, I am happy with the changes I have made. I am more generous with my smiles now and I have definitely learned to appreciate myself and everything and everyone around me more.
Perhaps CC was right that I did learn a lot through that journey with him. Perhaps I did. But there's no doubt that I have lost myself in those seven years becos life was all about him; my only direction and goal was to be with him and marry him, and the objectives always revolved around keeping him pleased and satisfied with zero regard for repercussion. I used to think of it as sheer determination to realize now that the only apt word to describe is foolishness. Leaving him was akin to awakening to reality; it took that much to realize that I do exist too. I do have my own needs and wants too and all of which were callously suppressed by blind lurve. But yes, I have learned. I learned that I too am capable of lurving 101%. I will continue to stick to my belief that lurve is all-encompassing; lurve is about lurving the person for who he/she is and who he/she may become, lurve is about lurving the best sides and the bad sides. I am proud to say I did that. :))
When I could not recall how I had to pick up the broken pieces of my heart, I began to reflect on my relationship with God. Indeed God has worked in His own mysterious ways. God has answered my prayers and cushioned my fall and hence I felt no pain when I let go. But was that the best I could be given? Even though I know deep down in me that this is the best for me, a part of me simply could not and would not recognize this fact. Like a child throwing tantrum over a toy, I refused to pray. After all, to put it in a cliché manner, I have lost the lurve of my life. I guess I never expected the events would unfold in such way even though I am fully aware that I have gained much more than I have lost. Still, I am not sure I can say I am truly satisfied with this finale. But no doubt I am happy now. :)) I will pray again someday soon I hope, I really want to.
Reflecting led me to think of the numerous ‘what ifs’ I have and have had. ‘What ifs’ are like unresolved issues that called out for closure. Pondering on the ‘what ifs’ is a tiring and time wasting affair that brings no conclusion and I often try not to do so. Let the ‘what ifs’ be a passing thought at best. But speaking of closure, there is always a tiny gap obstructing the closure of this episode; a tiny gap that could be easily filled with that one word which could lift away all the hatred in my heart. But it really matters not whether there’s closure or otherwise, my life still goes on all the same. :)) After all, we are nothing more than strangers to each other since that fateful day. . .
