Remembering Mr. Lee Kuan Yew

Two Sundays ago, the nation lost its founding father Mr. Lee Kuan Yew.

Last Sunday, after four days of lying in state and more than a million paid their last respects at the Parliament House and at various community tributes, thousands more lined the streets in pouring rain to bid their last goodbyes and say thank you to the man who built this nation.

I was among one of the many who queued to pay my last respect and lined the streets to bid my last goodbye. And I am also one of those young Singaporeans who have taken everything given to us for granted.  For that, I said thank you and sorry when the cortege that carried Mr. Lee Kuan Yew passed by. Sorry for being swayed so easily by naysayers and not stand firm in my belief. Sorry for not understanding that what were done was for the best of us all. 

The national mourning week has indeed been a dark week. Our Prime Minister Mr. Lee Hsien Loong, who is also the son of the late Mr. Lee said during the state funeral that the light that has guided Singapore has been extinguished.  I fully agree.

While we paid our last respects, TV programmes on Mr. Lee gave us a glimpse of the great man's vision, contributions and his life as a husband, father and grandfather. We all got to know him a little better albeit a little too late.

So many of us are guilty of incessant complaints of the seemingly unreasonable laws and rules that were set upon us and on this tiny island without fully understanding why they were implemented in the first place. 

We overlooked the fact that while cost of living is rising, our currency is strong against so many countries and within South East Asia we have a lot more and living far better than many others in neighbouring countries. 

We forgot that this garden city-state is the envy of many; our education system, our thriving economy, our clean garden state and more.  Most of all, we forgot that it's the hard work of Mr. Lee and his team and the pioneer generation who made all these possible.

In his death, Mr. Lee once more united Singapore; we come together from all walks of life and we all felt the same pain and loss. 

Hopefully, in remembering Mr. Lee, we will think about what we have and play our parts together to make Singapore an even better place for our next generation. Mahjulah Singapura! 

We can never thank you enough, Mr. Lee, but thank you for everything we have and own. 

Thank you, Mr. Lee Kuan Yew

This Monday started bluer than usual when the news broke that our founding father Mr. Lee Kuan Yew has passed on. It's not unexpected given that he has been ill for a while and PMO has been sending out statements to update on his waning health. But it is still deeply saddening to hear of it. On 23 March 2015, 3.18 am, Mr. Lee Kuan Yew left us and the entire Singapore is now grieving together.

I don't remember the last time I feel so sad about someone's demise other than the grandparents and nanny's. But the late Mr. Lee is not just someone. He's the man behind the success of Singapore; the instrumental figure in transforming Singapore from a 3rd world country to a 1st world nation. A nation envied by many, a nation we are all proud to call home. 

So yes, that explains the endless streams of tears that flowed for someone I never had the honour to even meet. The heartache is earnest and real; the pain is akin to losing someone dear. It is extremely saddening to know that he won't be around to celebrate the nation's jubilee; a nation that may not have the chance to celebrate what we have achieved so far if not for him.

My greatest impression of the late Mr. Lee was when I saw him cried on national TV when he stepped down as the Prime Minister. The eight-year-old me couldn't comprehend but I understood then that he must have been very sad for him to cry in public. I remember asking the grandpop why did he cry to which grandpop said, "because he is stepping down as the Prime Minister. This is the man who built Singapore don't you think he'd be sad to step down?" Why then did he step down if he doesn't want to? The curious child with her incessant questions asked on. "So that he can nurture the next generation of leader my dear child." That was the first time I learnt of 'the man who built Singapore'. 

Many of us would have witnessed the passing of some honourable leaders including the late presidents Mr. Wee Kim Wee and Mr. Ong Teng Cheong. And many including myself have wondered then what would it be like if LKY passes on, would the government declare the day a public holiday to commemorate him? It's not about gaining an additional public holiday from his demise but that we are all plainly aware of his stature and prominence to us and to Singapore. When the thought became a reality, all of us are left mourning the loss.

A simple thank you is never enough for the hard work you put in to bring us to where we are today. I am honoured to know of such a gallant and fearless leader in my lifetime. A leader that the future generations will only learn about through history books. 

Rest in peace, Mr. Lee Kuan Yew. You have worked hard enough for us all, it's time to continue the journey with the love of your life.  The legacy you left behind will be one that will be remembered by all Singaporeans for many generations to come.

I salute you, Sir. Singapore salutes you.

Conflicted Emotions

So much of wanting to blog regularly; the last post was more than six months ago.

First quarter of 2015 is almost coming to an end but there is nothing much to update for 2014. Things have been quite mundane, it'd be good if there was more excitement. Even the trip to Taiwan is not worth mentioning but the weather was really good though. All I can say is Taiwan and I are probably not fated.  Everyone else I know had so much fun but both trips were below par for me. 

Emotions. Most of my posts are emotionally-charged; someone would trigger the emotions. This post is no different. 

Tonight I am going to blog about you. You who have hanged around for more than a decade. You who brought me the greatest joy and left me with the deepest hurt. 

You who make me feel conflicted every time we meet. Really conflicted. Someone has done the favour of helping me get over our past which led me to finally be able to forgive you. Then I allowed you to come back into my life and I allowed us to go back into a all-too-familiar routine. The routine we both can't stop hanging on to.

But each time we meet only opens up a little more of the past I thought I have forgotten. It made me realise that forgiving does not equate to forgetting; our past is still haunting me. I am still sore about the choice you made and your explanation doesn't make me feel any better. In fact, it only makes me feel worse. I can't help but think that I should have fought harder for you and for us. Things could have been different. Today's outcome is the repercussion of allowing you to have things your way in yesteryears. 

You could never fully explain why you deprave me of the chance. And I will never be able to truly rest in peace because of that.

Being with you makes me upset because I carry the burden of our past yet at the same time the comfort I always feel with you is irreplaceable . You know I meant it when I said I would never be able to do the nonsense I did in anyone else's presence. You make me so damn C.O.N.F.L.I.C.T.E.D.

When I told you that I would stop seeing you if I start a serious relationship with someone else, you were confident enough to say that you and I would never stop because it's you. Such brass confidence but it only shows you know how much you meant to me and how selfish you truly are.

I am not going to let you ruin the future when another person comes in my life. No, I won't. You have broke me more than enough. And you know that.

What I really wanted to tell you the other night is that I don't know if I'd be able to love anyone else because I no longer love you. I am in doubt of whether I'd be able to love again because I don't love the man I loved most anymore.

Unless you can change our future (which we both know can never change), if not, please let our past die. . .

All In One

Almost three months since I last blogged. My last post was of course on the topic/person that occupied my mind at that time. 

I have so many things to say. So I'm going to do a word vomit for this post and throw everything up in one. 

I can't do this chronologically else it'd all not make any sense (as if I make a lot of sense). 

Gonna start with my first solo trip to Hong Kong and Shenzhen. It was a superb experience! The weather was great, food was wonderful but shopping a lil meh though. Still awesome in every way! 

The experience of being in a (not so) foreign land on my own is so fun. It's okay to get lost along the way and be aimless without feeling guilty or obligated towards anyone. I'd definitely do another solo trip again.

And Shenzhen. OMG Shenzhen! This land of the PRCs was beyond my imagination! The place is developing so well it's no wonder why JY doesn't want to come back. Gone were the days where it carried the notorious reputation of having more criminals than workers and THE place for the rich and famous to keep their mistresses.

The city is so clean and it feels so safe (no motorcycles on the road can you imagine?!). Greenery's really green, no kidding! But what mattered most is that JY has planned the itinerary so well that I can only say I'm in awe of Shenzhen in so many ways. OCT Bay took my breathe away, so beautiful!

To be honest, half of this trip was for JY and I totally enjoyed his company (and his remarkable singing) except that he could like make me feel more wanted.. especially after I have been with someone who wanted me so much, the contrast is so stark. :/

SS said I need to get away to get over. Well yes it did help. Although it wasn't a life-changing trip but it has injected enough memories for me to acknowledge that BS is a matter of the past. And I am no longer hung up over him.

Him.. I finally managed to take a peek at his FB and put a face and a name to the term. HT happens to know her and I was told that she is a very nice and soft spoken person. They are so compatible and look so loving together.

I was reminded of the many occasions when he spoke softly and I could never hear him. 

She and I are so different. I am no doubt the change that he needed from what he has taken for granted. And it has perhaps made him treasure her more. I could finally understand why he would feel so guilty towards the both of us. 

Knowing what she's like made me feel guilty too. She did no wrong to deserve such betrayal. I thought of those times he incessantly text me when she was around. How did he manage to split himself between us? 

What we did was wrong. We should never have overstepped the boundary. But I don't regret meeting him; he was in my life for a reason.

Now I can only hope that he doesn't repeat the mistake again and that I'm his last. And Mrs. K, I owe you this - I'm sorry. For your sake, I hope you'd never find out.

I knew all too well what it was like when the one you love betrayed in every way imaginable.

Someone I am close to was dating CS's colleague and she was crying over him. Seeing her upset and bawled so openly made me think of CS and I; how I did the exact same thing and the trauma he put me through. 

I no longer feel the ache but it brought back some painful memories. Some say when you begin to forget it means that it doesn't mean anything anymore. I fully agree. 

"People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime"

Was CS in my life for a reason too?  But he has stayed more than one season and left me scars that would last a lifetime.. No matter, I have learnt.

Thank you all for gracing my life with your presence. For the doses of joy each of you brought into the life of an introvert.

In my opinion, introverts are the most misunderstood people on earth.  For many years, my perpetual yawning and constant 'low batt' moments makes people around me think that I am always tired.

Now I'm fully embracing the fact that I am an introvert. That it's not that I am always tired, it's just that I people out easily. Extroverts will never understand that mingling takes up loads of our energy and when I do hang out I only conserve enough energy to last one burst.

Time alone is how we recuperate. Explains why I like to spend time alone. Sacrificing our alone time for those we care means a lot to us introverts. Sigh.. Sadly, this is not something the opposites can ever understand fully. Oh well, such is life.. 

Maybe I Did Love You

Some people try hard to be who they are not while others try hard not to be who they really are. 

I am both. 

I try hard to be strong when I'm not. And I try hard not to be vulnerable by masking my deepest emotions.

I am but human. I cry, I laugh, I fear. I am capable of feeling all the emotions any human would. The worst feeling of all is to admit that I am afraid to be abandoned. 

It has been four months since we last spoke. Four months since you tried to reach out. You have long moved on from this episode. I should also be done mourning the loss by now especially if I have been insisting that what I felt for you is not love. 

Then why are my memories at a standstill? How is it that the world continues to spin while leaving me behind? Alone to confront my own weakness. 

Maybe I did love you and knew it all along. Maybe I just refuse to admit so becos I dun want people around to think lesser of me. For falling in love so easily. Maybe I don't want to face my own foolishness for opening up my heart to someone I barely knew.

Maybe I did love you. I love how you were able to make me laugh so easily. I love how you would walk with your arms around me like as if I was your prized possession. I love how you would tuck my hair away gently just to look at me. I love how you would remember everything I said even those that I mentioned casually. I love how you would tremble subtly whenever I touched you. I love how you would surprise me in so many ways with your little gestures.

Most of all, I love the connection we had. You made me comfortable in your presence. You know, I didn't even feel a tad bit of awkwardness when you tried to hug me on our 2nd date? I remember how I felt you hard on the small of my back. You smiled sheepishly. I thought your reaction was rather cute. 

Your appearance in my life is a necessity. You came into my life at the right time. To prevent me from turning into a grumpy old hag filled with hatred and spite. Your existence has made me let go of the past. Of the most painful part of my memories. 

But now you have become that painful memory. The memories you left are beautiful. It's painful only becos I can't let it go. Everything reminds me of you. The road leading to my office, I walk through it almost every morning and it reminds me of Forester driving through the same way. And how you were always so keen to steal a kiss before dropping me off. 

The coffeeshop you brought me to for breakfast | The walk we had at East Coast Park accompanied by the sighting of a toad | The random stranger who sports the same hairstyle | The restaurant where you didn't enjoy the food but agreed to go becos I wanted to | The night scene at Gardens by the Bay | The way you would pronounce 'yes' and 'of course' | The many raining days and nights | The movie you didn't like but watched becos I wanted to (again) | The many Foresters I see on the road and wonder why none of it is yours | The uncles sitting at the hawker centre enjoying their kopi like you would | The radio channel you would listen to and sing along freely in the car | The haze that is returning | The sweet delights you would buy for my tea breaks | The warmth I felt from holding someone else's body hoping he was you. 

It's time I move on from these memories. I want to forget. I need to close this chapter.

I am not sorry that we met. But I am sorry that we overstep the invisible boundary. I am sorry that maybe I did love you.

If there is another life, I'd love to meet you again. This time let's meet earlier so that I won't have to regret that I can't keep you with me. And be where I want to with you. Wherever you are, I hope you will always be happy and safe.

You Are Not Important Enough For Me To Give This Post A Title

I should be starting 2014 with a pleasant post. It should be one of those posts that reviews what have happened in 2013 and what I will work towards in 2014. I will save that for another time perhaps.

For now, let's talk about social media. The different platforms of social media that I am on.

Facebook: privacy activated.
Twitter: tweets protected.

Adding to the list very recently, Instagram: privacy activated. And you BLOCKED. Did you manage to trawl through all the pictures that I have shared? Have you found me on other platforms too? Keep trying, I have more presence than you know of.  

I know you have been checking me out on various social media platforms. And I know that you have made sure that I know of it. I also know what prompted your sudden interest to look me up again. 

You have probably read through this blog too. Do you like what you read? If you think that I will put it all out there for you to read like all those years ago, you may want to think again. Back then, I wanted you to know. To know that I have been in the game long before your existence. 

These days, I prefer subtlety. It's better this way, don't you think?

7 Liabilities Of Having A Relationship

I'm gonna sound like a real sour puss writing what I am about to. Because I haven't been in a relationship for a few years now apart from a few casual affairs which are more than enough to make me keep my heart under lock and keys again. 

But let's be real. Being in a relationship DOES come with a whole string of liabilities; they are just not obvious to those who spend most of their time in one (or more). Having been out of the game for a while now, I am able to see clearer that relationships do come with (a number of) liabilities.

1. Bed 

That's my most treasured piece of furniture. Yes, I love my bed and I love making out on the bed and how hot things can get. But no I'm not keen on having someone taking up half of the bed and force me to keep to my side of it like that's all I'm entitled to. And come on, how fun is it to play tug-o-war in a half conscious state of mind? Damn it, give it back will ya? 

2. Space

I loved being around my man but I also treasure alone time with myself. Being in a relationship means having lesser down time with myself. It is especially important to have some down time for an introvert like me to recuperate from the energy consumed. Simply put, alone time is like recharging batteries. 

3. Sleep 

You enjoy each other's company and time flies by before you realise it's way past bedtime. It's okay you would think. To sacrifice sleep just so that you can have more time with each other. The same cycle repeats itself at least a few days on a weekly basis. Lack of sleep has more negative effects than you can fully comprehend - outbreaks, dark circles under your eyes, bad temperaments, mood swing, inability to focus at work/in school. For me, deprave from sleep means my battery was never fully charged. 

4. Tears

Lots of it. Arguments are inevitable in any relationship. And the end result - someone is bound to get hurt. I have hyper active tear ducts and with so much water in my anatomy, I lost buckets of it. 

5. Time

Time is invested to get to know the other half. To learn about his quirks, habits, his likes and dislikes. It doesn't matter if the relationship last all of one week or over a decade, time has been invested and in some cases - wasted. I never truly figure till this day if I have just invested (a lot) or wasted my youth and time on one individual. 

6. Rationality 

Everything is beautiful when you're in love. Your judgment is clouded and you lose the ability to make rational decisions on your own without thinking for the other person. You forget about what you want or need, your mind is filled with how and what is the best for both parties even if it means someone has to give up what he/she really wants. It's called compromise when you're in love but if you would just peel back this layer you would realised that it's just the selfish attempt of one party to mould the other into someone else be it consciously or otherwise. 

7. Emotions/feelings/love

Like time, you invest emotions, you give. And many a time you give more than you think you are capable of giving. You overstretch yourself and when the game ends you'd realise you feel spent and drained. Because you have given way more than you can afford to. 

No, I can't say that I didn't enjoy my relationship(s). I did and I was definitely a willing party. I am just saying looking at it from a different point made me realise that it's not that bad to be alone. At least I have spared myself from all these liabilities. I am able to pamper myself without the burden of guilt. Of course sometimes I do long to be in a relationship again but there's no driving factor that makes me want to jump right back into the game. Maybe it's because I haven't met the one who makes me want to overlook all these liabilities all over again. Or perhaps that someone never really existed at all. But, whatever.