Conflicted Emotions

So much of wanting to blog regularly; the last post was more than six months ago.

First quarter of 2015 is almost coming to an end but there is nothing much to update for 2014. Things have been quite mundane, it'd be good if there was more excitement. Even the trip to Taiwan is not worth mentioning but the weather was really good though. All I can say is Taiwan and I are probably not fated.  Everyone else I know had so much fun but both trips were below par for me. 

Emotions. Most of my posts are emotionally-charged; someone would trigger the emotions. This post is no different. 

Tonight I am going to blog about you. You who have hanged around for more than a decade. You who brought me the greatest joy and left me with the deepest hurt. 

You who make me feel conflicted every time we meet. Really conflicted. Someone has done the favour of helping me get over our past which led me to finally be able to forgive you. Then I allowed you to come back into my life and I allowed us to go back into a all-too-familiar routine. The routine we both can't stop hanging on to.

But each time we meet only opens up a little more of the past I thought I have forgotten. It made me realise that forgiving does not equate to forgetting; our past is still haunting me. I am still sore about the choice you made and your explanation doesn't make me feel any better. In fact, it only makes me feel worse. I can't help but think that I should have fought harder for you and for us. Things could have been different. Today's outcome is the repercussion of allowing you to have things your way in yesteryears. 

You could never fully explain why you deprave me of the chance. And I will never be able to truly rest in peace because of that.

Being with you makes me upset because I carry the burden of our past yet at the same time the comfort I always feel with you is irreplaceable . You know I meant it when I said I would never be able to do the nonsense I did in anyone else's presence. You make me so damn C.O.N.F.L.I.C.T.E.D.

When I told you that I would stop seeing you if I start a serious relationship with someone else, you were confident enough to say that you and I would never stop because it's you. Such brass confidence but it only shows you know how much you meant to me and how selfish you truly are.

I am not going to let you ruin the future when another person comes in my life. No, I won't. You have broke me more than enough. And you know that.

What I really wanted to tell you the other night is that I don't know if I'd be able to love anyone else because I no longer love you. I am in doubt of whether I'd be able to love again because I don't love the man I loved most anymore.

Unless you can change our future (which we both know can never change), if not, please let our past die. . .