Maybe I Did Love You

Some people try hard to be who they are not while others try hard not to be who they really are. 

I am both. 

I try hard to be strong when I'm not. And I try hard not to be vulnerable by masking my deepest emotions.

I am but human. I cry, I laugh, I fear. I am capable of feeling all the emotions any human would. The worst feeling of all is to admit that I am afraid to be abandoned. 

It has been four months since we last spoke. Four months since you tried to reach out. You have long moved on from this episode. I should also be done mourning the loss by now especially if I have been insisting that what I felt for you is not love. 

Then why are my memories at a standstill? How is it that the world continues to spin while leaving me behind? Alone to confront my own weakness. 

Maybe I did love you and knew it all along. Maybe I just refuse to admit so becos I dun want people around to think lesser of me. For falling in love so easily. Maybe I don't want to face my own foolishness for opening up my heart to someone I barely knew.

Maybe I did love you. I love how you were able to make me laugh so easily. I love how you would walk with your arms around me like as if I was your prized possession. I love how you would tuck my hair away gently just to look at me. I love how you would remember everything I said even those that I mentioned casually. I love how you would tremble subtly whenever I touched you. I love how you would surprise me in so many ways with your little gestures.

Most of all, I love the connection we had. You made me comfortable in your presence. You know, I didn't even feel a tad bit of awkwardness when you tried to hug me on our 2nd date? I remember how I felt you hard on the small of my back. You smiled sheepishly. I thought your reaction was rather cute. 

Your appearance in my life is a necessity. You came into my life at the right time. To prevent me from turning into a grumpy old hag filled with hatred and spite. Your existence has made me let go of the past. Of the most painful part of my memories. 

But now you have become that painful memory. The memories you left are beautiful. It's painful only becos I can't let it go. Everything reminds me of you. The road leading to my office, I walk through it almost every morning and it reminds me of Forester driving through the same way. And how you were always so keen to steal a kiss before dropping me off. 

The coffeeshop you brought me to for breakfast | The walk we had at East Coast Park accompanied by the sighting of a toad | The random stranger who sports the same hairstyle | The restaurant where you didn't enjoy the food but agreed to go becos I wanted to | The night scene at Gardens by the Bay | The way you would pronounce 'yes' and 'of course' | The many raining days and nights | The movie you didn't like but watched becos I wanted to (again) | The many Foresters I see on the road and wonder why none of it is yours | The uncles sitting at the hawker centre enjoying their kopi like you would | The radio channel you would listen to and sing along freely in the car | The haze that is returning | The sweet delights you would buy for my tea breaks | The warmth I felt from holding someone else's body hoping he was you. 

It's time I move on from these memories. I want to forget. I need to close this chapter.

I am not sorry that we met. But I am sorry that we overstep the invisible boundary. I am sorry that maybe I did love you.

If there is another life, I'd love to meet you again. This time let's meet earlier so that I won't have to regret that I can't keep you with me. And be where I want to with you. Wherever you are, I hope you will always be happy and safe.