A Shocking Revelation

I have never really recovered from my lost of faith. Part of me remains sore even as I try hard to recover. I blame it on the weakness of mankind; my own weakness. But the revelation has changed my perception. Totally. The revelation has made me lose faith completely. I know it is not likely that I will ever regain any tad bit of the lost faith much as I struggle to remain good. The revelation has made me realise I have been ignored, abandoned and unloved. I am not my Father's child. And I have just crossed the thin line into disbelief.

Religion is akin to public relations in the form of crisis management; all it takes is one incident to shake the faith of the believers and the public. And all the good that had happened would easily be shadowed and overlooked. But in the case of the latter, rebuilding process can be seen; corporations reach out to the public positively, re-vamping the company's image, communicate and send assurance. If all are done correctly, second chances are granted to them.

Whereas in the case of the former, believers although shaken would still stand by their religion; believing in the higher and more superior being. Coaxing themselves to believe that whatever that happened did happen for a reason; a reason known only to the Almighty. When they can no longer hold on to that belief, they will forsake their religion for good like consumers boycotting an image-deprived company. I used to be one of those believers. I have just disengaged for I cannot believe why evil people can dwell in happiness and why do they even deserve to be happy at all?

If being evil has no bad repercussion then nothing should stop me from joining them. If selling one's soul to the devil is the way to have a good life why not?? It may seem like that gang of the bad has won me over but I feel that it is the faith of the good that has pushed me away. Until I see that the bad and the evil get their just desserts I don't think I will ever walk back again.

Double Fs

Freedom finally! I am done with Grunig, Hofstede, Kotter, Kotler and the likes! That is of course if I pass corp comms; I have screwed up the exams big time. Fingers crossed. Now I need at least one month to recuperate from the stress of the last few months. Then begin my new journey again. :)

Friendships. Had a thought last night of someone who used to call me some evenings and greet me by my Chinese name.  Let's call him CC.   CC and I used to hang out quite a bit and I enjoyed his company and all his juicy scandals and deep dark secrets. He was also the one who brought the 'best' into my life and I really treasured our friendship but at the end of the day, I realised he has never really been my friend and he is no longer my friend. He has relocated since and we have stopped contacting each other. Perhaps not becos of his relocation but becos he was never really my friend to begin with. Friendships, kinships, relationships are all alike. Do they all have an expiry date? Seems like no matter how much effort is put in to maintain one it never seem to last. Many friends have came and gone but I am glad that I have met them at different phases of my life; they all shone different lights. I dunno ever since when I stop putting in effort to be nice; cordial at best. Becos I dun want to regret when a friendship can no longer be maintained or to know that the person I called friend eventually end up betraying me. Building relationships with others is no longer my forte.

Comfort Food, Comfort Zone, Comfort Fit

'wld u still be there for me when I'm down n drunk?'

That was the last thing he asked me and it has been more than a year n half.

Today, I am for once on the verge of giving in to stress, on the verge of breaking down n admitting defeat. I dun wanna do the project anymore, I dun wanna continue with this stress anymore.

I used to think of stress as a great form of challenge but not anymore, not today. This last lap is so stressful I'm not sure if I can complete it.

This stress made me finally realise that we were each other's comfort food, comfort zone, comfort fit. He wanted to run to me when he was down just like now I wanna run to him becos I'm feeling darn down.

Today, i wanna bury my head in his so very broad chest n cry out loud. I wanna hear him say 'suhh suhh dun cry, it'll be over soon.' n kiss my tears away like he did before. I wanna feel his calmness thru all these anxieties.

But today is not like before. He is no longer around, not for me n he will never be again. I know it's just my irrational thot becos of all the stress; I hv oredi gotten used to his absence. I'll not think of him once I'm stress free. But for tonight, he's on my mind as I seek to reach out for the comfort which has oredi become unfamiliar...


- Posted using BlogPress from Lulu's iPhone

Futile Struggle

Just two weeks back i was wondering if it was a right decision to enrol for the Broadcast Journalism course. After attending it, I must say it was simply awesome! In five days, I have learnt to interview, present, script, edit, did the final cut pro and complete my own production. It was a wonderful learning experience with a fabulous instructor, fun-loving mates and helpful, obliging peeps at Singapore Media Academy. Everything about the entire course is just great. I truly enjoyed myself over the short five days. And who can forget Mr. Augustine Anthuvan's favourite phrase - "Hurry up guys! I'd be done with Avatar 2 by the time you guys finish!" He's so nice, made learning so fun. :) What's best is I realised that it is possible to produce a good piece of news within a tight timeline. Can't wait to get my copy of the production from Ric. And of course hopefully I can breeze through the assessment on 28th. Only with that will there be a completion.

Knocking On The Wrong Door

New term's gonna start later! and I am excited about the broadcast journalism class. hopefully reality's not going to dampen my anticipation. had some great workout today doing the chores. I have changed the sheets, packed my books and wardrobe, done the laundry and cleaned the bathroom. it feels great that everything smell good and are sparkingly clean. gonna crash soon lest i turn up late for the first day. gosh! I'll be in lectures for more than 12 hours for the next two days. think i'm gonna be darn spent and drained by Wednesday.

saw a post on FB and I realised I have been knocking on the wrong door. all these while I said I will not hope anymore and I want nothing more than keeping our friendship. I have been bottling up the overwhelming feeling of wanting him but I can't deny the existence of such feelings. I can’t deny that I do like him and want him. but that post made me realised that there is really no chance for a relationship to ever develop between us. my romeo is still longing for his juliet.

I don't wanna let obstinacy rule me anymore. I have decided not to close my options. It is unnecessary and stoopid to do so. perhaps I don't feel that much for him after all. this has dawned on me when I realised there was no heart-thumping anticipation when we went out the other day. those fuzzy butterfly feelings were not there at all. maybe this part of me has long died together with the lost years. it will definitely be much easier to move on. nonetheless, I am thankful to recognise through him that I can and have moved past the most difficult period. all the best in getting your juliet, my God-given tool.

crashing.... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz......

Lurve Story

Just feel like blogging but no idea what to blog about.

School's starting next week and I have enrolled myself in an additional 5-day crash course. It's only five days I can surely make it through. Asked mayor for second opinion today, guess I just needed some convincing that I should make the choice of going for it. After all, it's complimentary and I am going to get a certificate at the end of it. Why not?

Finally, I am going to be done with my last term in a few months' time! : ) I will embark on another journey of my life thereon. There are so many things I wanna accomplish but I have yet to set my mind on what to do first. It's time I start listing them.

There's another thing I wanna do and it can't be accomplished by listing. Hmmmm. . . I wanna fall in love again! I am actually, there's just no reciprocation. It's been a llllooooooooooooonnnnnnnnggggggg while since I am in a relationship. A proper one. I have forgotten what it's like to have a balanced relationship; one that brings no heartache only laughter, happiness and joy. One that has no room for infidelity, no room for comparison, no room for proving a point, no room for social standing. One that can work out and maintain solely with love. Impossible. This kinda relationship will not happen for me again. And I give my blessings to those who are able to love each other unselfishly and whole-heartedly.

I feel there is no balance in most relationships. There is no balance between giving and taking. I realised that life is a competition in every aspect and yet the one that fought the hardest may not necessarily emerge as the winner. I have learnt. I have fallen and am standing again. I am ready to fall again if that's what it takes. But it's exclusive. Admission for one only. : )

I am rather happy with my present status but the invisible pressure from people around me is getting a little choking. Even mom is starting to join in the fun. Yes yes yes, age is catching up. It is time I find someone and settle down. Next CNY I want to see your other half. (Next CNY I will run away!) Yadda, yadda, yadda. I too realised how all my prime years were wasted. Gimme a break please? It's so unfair that guys don't get the same kinda pressure.

I wanna watch 'Letters to Juliet'. Bet it's gonna be a fantastic show. Finding and rekindling a long lost love. The soundtrack has a song by Taylor Swift - Love Story. Nice song - modern days Romeo and Juliet. Part of the song goes "Romeo save me, they are trying to tell me how to feel". Oh yes, Romeo please come save me. Save me from all the incessant nagging please................... (My stoopid Romeo got stuck in his own universe...)

If I end up old and all alone, I only have my obstinacy to blame. Hardly anything new. It's always the same old story of wanting something and every other replacement is disregarded in the course of seeking for the ultimate one. Thanks obstinacy. I have had enough. Please bring your ass away.

I must have sounded pretty emotional. I am not feeling it though, sleepy actually. Crashing time! Time to go dream of my Romeo! : ) Nitez world.

Spurred Thought

A thought spurred from Mom's comment on a Ch8 drama earlier. "Ha, the wife is so pretty why did the husband still stray?" I wondered too. As usual, I can't let a topic rest without making some kinda lulu comments, and so I rambled. "One is never enough, men will not be satisfied with one. Look at that fooker and me, I'm also pretty wot but he ended up marrying someone else." Mommy burst out laughing. Was she laughing at my complacency?

Just a little dip into a topic resulted in a whole lot of memories pouring out. Reminded me of how foolish I was and how I naively thought we were a match made in heaven. Yea, right. There ain't no such match. As soon as a perception is formed, I realised it is rather difficult to change it. Made me think of what he used to say. "It's not about how much you have done for me." I totally concur. Now. Everyone view the world with tinted glasses, the only difference is the extent of it. I am guilty of jumping gun and being judgmental too. Had the situation been reversed would I have done the same he did? I dunno, really. But I do know if I were to replay the entire scene again, I would definitely make it better. Pro me perhaps.

I said I won't mention about him again in this new blog. Well, at least I have omitted to mention his name. Thoughts of him are random now. Almost one and a half years since we ended, there is no more hurt no more pain just a whole load of hatred. Today, someone else has replaced the silly grin I used to have on my face whenever his name was mentioned; it's now someone else's name. The same someone else who has oredi formed his perception too. I know we won't make it cos we won't even have the chance to try. Now wot's the famous clique? "It has all ended before it even got started." Or was it some lyrics from some song?

If I have to spell out right from the beginning why I like him, this time I won't withhold. **SC is witty, tacky and oh-so-funny. And on the only solo 'date' we had, I felt comfy. No pressure in his presence. I enjoy his company. It is a very refreshing and different kinda feeling altogether that I like. He is inspirational. I am inspired by his drive and his commitment towards his business and life. I will always treasure our friendship.

Time to crash. with a bleeding heart that is. I have just spent S$132 on a 'dead sea' mask. It better be good man, else I will bring it back and throw it in the sale person's face. Nite nite world. Nite nite YOU. : )