Lost 'Memory' Found!!

They caught my sight the moment I stepped into Topshop in KL. But as usual I didn’t buy them right there and then becos I no longer believe or indulge in impulsive buying and so I took my time to contemplate just so to see how much do I really want them. I always gauge my liking for stuff by the number of days I’d mull over them; the longer I take means I really want it. And yes for my 3 days in KL, they stayed on my mind and in my thoughts.

So the very last night in KL I was determined to get them. I went back to Topshop and tried them on; satisfied that UK4 fits me I asked for a new pair. To my greatest dismay, the sales person said that the one that I tried on was the last and wot’s worse was that pair has oredi been disfigured. I left Topshop disheartened.

I called Topshop the moment I was back in SG and suffered yet another round of disappointment that they didn’t bring in the design. I brooded over it for a couple of weeks; angry at myself for not getting it sooner. Even got a friend who was traveling to KL to check again but they were gone oredi. There goes my ‘MEMORY’… until one fine day I found them again on eBay and it’s one and only brand new pair in my size!! This time no more contemplation, no more hesitation I got them right away!

After waiting a couple of weeks, finally finally here they are!!! :))

My long awaited Topshop Memory Floral Boots!!  Hearts!! <3

Singapore. . . My Home????

I am beginning to feel rather disillusioned. Born and bred but I no longer feel at home here. This cosmopolitan city is growing too fast and it makes me feel out of place. I feel like a second class citizen in my own country. I have became xenophobic becos of the endless influx of foreigners and ‘new citizens’. They jammed up public transport, they have no regards for the locals, they caused the escalation of housing prices, they smell bad and they are a threat to the local working class. Oh yes, but they are good for the economics of the country. Yet another example of how globalisation has affected the citizens of a country. This only serves to validate that globalisation is more harm than good. No wonder I scored distinction for comms management II; I wrote 2 entire pages on this for exams! Lolx!!

I am ranting becos I haven’t been able to get a job after sending more than 60 applications!! Competing with younger fresh graduates is bad enough with the foreigners around, my chances are halved again. I guess the only thing I can relate with this city is the fact that I share the same woe with the majority of average Singaporeans. Sigh, the competitiveness of the country is a great toll on its citizens.

Ok, I must admit (finally) that I regret not studying when I was younger. I am years back from the starting point and this thought is frightening. I may never find my niche. I don’t wanna stay stagnant! I don’t want to know that the effort I put in to complete my degree is not getting me anywhere. Although I have a fantastic boss, I am really dying to move on. I want to embark on a different career path and most of all find my niche. Yea, I said I wanna be ‘Jack’ (of all trades) but no one is giving me the chance to be. Until I move out of this industry, I can’t help but feel dejected and lost like a headless housefly. This feeling sucks! :(

Employers should give all a fair chance and not only those with experience. Haro?? Fresh blood gives new life to old ideas period! For all you know, experienced people may be complacent and what is the point of reusing old ideas over and again anyway when success is dependent on the difference one can make. Enough rambling oredi. Time to crash. Gotta get ready to send out more applications tomorrow! Nite world. . .

A Shocking Revelation

I have never really recovered from my lost of faith. Part of me remains sore even as I try hard to recover. I blame it on the weakness of mankind; my own weakness. But the revelation has changed my perception. Totally. The revelation has made me lose faith completely. I know it is not likely that I will ever regain any tad bit of the lost faith much as I struggle to remain good. The revelation has made me realise I have been ignored, abandoned and unloved. I am not my Father's child. And I have just crossed the thin line into disbelief.

Religion is akin to public relations in the form of crisis management; all it takes is one incident to shake the faith of the believers and the public. And all the good that had happened would easily be shadowed and overlooked. But in the case of the latter, rebuilding process can be seen; corporations reach out to the public positively, re-vamping the company's image, communicate and send assurance. If all are done correctly, second chances are granted to them.

Whereas in the case of the former, believers although shaken would still stand by their religion; believing in the higher and more superior being. Coaxing themselves to believe that whatever that happened did happen for a reason; a reason known only to the Almighty. When they can no longer hold on to that belief, they will forsake their religion for good like consumers boycotting an image-deprived company. I used to be one of those believers. I have just disengaged for I cannot believe why evil people can dwell in happiness and why do they even deserve to be happy at all?

If being evil has no bad repercussion then nothing should stop me from joining them. If selling one's soul to the devil is the way to have a good life why not?? It may seem like that gang of the bad has won me over but I feel that it is the faith of the good that has pushed me away. Until I see that the bad and the evil get their just desserts I don't think I will ever walk back again.

Double Fs

Freedom finally! I am done with Grunig, Hofstede, Kotter, Kotler and the likes! That is of course if I pass corp comms; I have screwed up the exams big time. Fingers crossed. Now I need at least one month to recuperate from the stress of the last few months. Then begin my new journey again. :)

Friendships. Had a thought last night of someone who used to call me some evenings and greet me by my Chinese name.  Let's call him CC.   CC and I used to hang out quite a bit and I enjoyed his company and all his juicy scandals and deep dark secrets. He was also the one who brought the 'best' into my life and I really treasured our friendship but at the end of the day, I realised he has never really been my friend and he is no longer my friend. He has relocated since and we have stopped contacting each other. Perhaps not becos of his relocation but becos he was never really my friend to begin with. Friendships, kinships, relationships are all alike. Do they all have an expiry date? Seems like no matter how much effort is put in to maintain one it never seem to last. Many friends have came and gone but I am glad that I have met them at different phases of my life; they all shone different lights. I dunno ever since when I stop putting in effort to be nice; cordial at best. Becos I dun want to regret when a friendship can no longer be maintained or to know that the person I called friend eventually end up betraying me. Building relationships with others is no longer my forte.

Comfort Food, Comfort Zone, Comfort Fit

'wld u still be there for me when I'm down n drunk?'

That was the last thing he asked me and it has been more than a year n half.

Today, I am for once on the verge of giving in to stress, on the verge of breaking down n admitting defeat. I dun wanna do the project anymore, I dun wanna continue with this stress anymore.

I used to think of stress as a great form of challenge but not anymore, not today. This last lap is so stressful I'm not sure if I can complete it.

This stress made me finally realise that we were each other's comfort food, comfort zone, comfort fit. He wanted to run to me when he was down just like now I wanna run to him becos I'm feeling darn down.

Today, i wanna bury my head in his so very broad chest n cry out loud. I wanna hear him say 'suhh suhh dun cry, it'll be over soon.' n kiss my tears away like he did before. I wanna feel his calmness thru all these anxieties.

But today is not like before. He is no longer around, not for me n he will never be again. I know it's just my irrational thot becos of all the stress; I hv oredi gotten used to his absence. I'll not think of him once I'm stress free. But for tonight, he's on my mind as I seek to reach out for the comfort which has oredi become unfamiliar...


- Posted using BlogPress from Lulu's iPhone

Futile Struggle

Just two weeks back i was wondering if it was a right decision to enrol for the Broadcast Journalism course. After attending it, I must say it was simply awesome! In five days, I have learnt to interview, present, script, edit, did the final cut pro and complete my own production. It was a wonderful learning experience with a fabulous instructor, fun-loving mates and helpful, obliging peeps at Singapore Media Academy. Everything about the entire course is just great. I truly enjoyed myself over the short five days. And who can forget Mr. Augustine Anthuvan's favourite phrase - "Hurry up guys! I'd be done with Avatar 2 by the time you guys finish!" He's so nice, made learning so fun. :) What's best is I realised that it is possible to produce a good piece of news within a tight timeline. Can't wait to get my copy of the production from Ric. And of course hopefully I can breeze through the assessment on 28th. Only with that will there be a completion.

Knocking On The Wrong Door

New term's gonna start later! and I am excited about the broadcast journalism class. hopefully reality's not going to dampen my anticipation. had some great workout today doing the chores. I have changed the sheets, packed my books and wardrobe, done the laundry and cleaned the bathroom. it feels great that everything smell good and are sparkingly clean. gonna crash soon lest i turn up late for the first day. gosh! I'll be in lectures for more than 12 hours for the next two days. think i'm gonna be darn spent and drained by Wednesday.

saw a post on FB and I realised I have been knocking on the wrong door. all these while I said I will not hope anymore and I want nothing more than keeping our friendship. I have been bottling up the overwhelming feeling of wanting him but I can't deny the existence of such feelings. I can’t deny that I do like him and want him. but that post made me realised that there is really no chance for a relationship to ever develop between us. my romeo is still longing for his juliet.

I don't wanna let obstinacy rule me anymore. I have decided not to close my options. It is unnecessary and stoopid to do so. perhaps I don't feel that much for him after all. this has dawned on me when I realised there was no heart-thumping anticipation when we went out the other day. those fuzzy butterfly feelings were not there at all. maybe this part of me has long died together with the lost years. it will definitely be much easier to move on. nonetheless, I am thankful to recognise through him that I can and have moved past the most difficult period. all the best in getting your juliet, my God-given tool.

crashing.... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz......