Omitted Topic

Met up with an old friend couple of days back; an old friend whom I have mentioned earlier is no longer a friend. Ha! Slapped me in my face! The catch up turned out to be unexpectedly pleasant despite the fact that we have not met or spoken for almost three years.

We had lots of stuff to catch up on; how our lives have evolved over the last few years and reminisced on the past we used to share. It is nice to know that the old habits that make the very essence of me are clearly remembered. The flip side of this meet up is that somehow we could not avoid talking about the existence of the omitted one. Omitted from my life that is. I was trying to fool myself beforehand that the topic could be avoided but I knew it was almost too tough if not impossible.

CC asked why do I still hate? Becos I so loved and have so given everything I ever had. Perhaps he didn’t agree with me when I said my years were wasted but concurred that the efforts that I have put in serve as a justification for the hatred. How long would it take for me to accept him as a friend again? I said that day would never come. I won’t create a scene if I see him but I won’t stay around too. The hatred is deeply rooted and try as I may but I cannot forgive. And as I rambled that night… …Some things cannot be forgotten, some people cannot be forgiven.

Certifiably Ironic

My heart goes out to Japan and its people. Its Prime Minister said that the country is facing its worst crisis of all time since WWII after being hit by earthquake + tsunami, which have brought upon unimaginable damages, losses and pain to the country and its people. I can only hope that assistance from the rest of the world would render Japan a quicker recovery and pray that the demised souls have peace.

This unfortunate event got me thinking. Of this island I belong to and brought up in. ‘Kiasu’ – as we have been labeled – definitively means ‘afraid to lose’. I am suddenly wondering why. As in why are we so afraid to lose when we don’t even have that much to speak of in comparison to other countries. We have no natural resources, and we are geographically on lowland surrounded by other bigger countries that would shield us from natural disasters. All we have are people which by now means half of the population is made up of foreign influx.

Why then are we so ‘kiasu’? With such state of mind, would we be able to stand united in a crisis that affects the entire nation? Or would we care more about our own well-being, put our own interest before others even in the wake of a crisis becos we are ‘kiasu’? Would there be zilch survivor at the end of the day becos we were all looking out only for our own survival? In a country where courtesy has to be encouraged and promoted through nation-wide campaigns, I don’t dare imagine. I can only pray that no crisis this large-scaled would ever befall upon this tiny island where unity seems scarce. . .

Permeate Me No More!

Today’s Ash Wednesday. Lent begins again and it’s the time for penance and reflections and praying. Fasting for today and followed by forty days of abstinence.

Traditionally, the practice is to abstain from meat, which is represented by flesh and organs of mammals and fowls, in honour of the passion of Christ on Good Friday. And which practice I only realised today that the limitation of abstinence extends to the soup and gravy containing meat. No more mommy's soup for the next few weeks!

Like many others, I too keep vigil of such practice. Since it’s up to individuals to give up something one enjoys during this Lent period, I also tried to give up something that I have been doing for more than a decade. I gave up smoking for Lent two years back. It worked for me then and the experience made me understand that kicking die hard habits is all about focus and determination; mind over matter. I am going to try again this year. Stop smoking, this time for good. I have been meaning to quit, just that I have given myself tons of excuses not to. Abstinence during this Lent period is a great way for me to kick the habit for good, no more excuses. I look forward to having sparkling white teeth and be able to confidently say that the smell of smoke permeates me no more!! :)) So the time has come for me to bid goodbye to my final pack of ciggy!

Lost 'Memory' Found!!

They caught my sight the moment I stepped into Topshop in KL. But as usual I didn’t buy them right there and then becos I no longer believe or indulge in impulsive buying and so I took my time to contemplate just so to see how much do I really want them. I always gauge my liking for stuff by the number of days I’d mull over them; the longer I take means I really want it. And yes for my 3 days in KL, they stayed on my mind and in my thoughts.

So the very last night in KL I was determined to get them. I went back to Topshop and tried them on; satisfied that UK4 fits me I asked for a new pair. To my greatest dismay, the sales person said that the one that I tried on was the last and wot’s worse was that pair has oredi been disfigured. I left Topshop disheartened.

I called Topshop the moment I was back in SG and suffered yet another round of disappointment that they didn’t bring in the design. I brooded over it for a couple of weeks; angry at myself for not getting it sooner. Even got a friend who was traveling to KL to check again but they were gone oredi. There goes my ‘MEMORY’… until one fine day I found them again on eBay and it’s one and only brand new pair in my size!! This time no more contemplation, no more hesitation I got them right away!

After waiting a couple of weeks, finally finally here they are!!! :))

My long awaited Topshop Memory Floral Boots!!  Hearts!! <3

Singapore. . . My Home????

I am beginning to feel rather disillusioned. Born and bred but I no longer feel at home here. This cosmopolitan city is growing too fast and it makes me feel out of place. I feel like a second class citizen in my own country. I have became xenophobic becos of the endless influx of foreigners and ‘new citizens’. They jammed up public transport, they have no regards for the locals, they caused the escalation of housing prices, they smell bad and they are a threat to the local working class. Oh yes, but they are good for the economics of the country. Yet another example of how globalisation has affected the citizens of a country. This only serves to validate that globalisation is more harm than good. No wonder I scored distinction for comms management II; I wrote 2 entire pages on this for exams! Lolx!!

I am ranting becos I haven’t been able to get a job after sending more than 60 applications!! Competing with younger fresh graduates is bad enough with the foreigners around, my chances are halved again. I guess the only thing I can relate with this city is the fact that I share the same woe with the majority of average Singaporeans. Sigh, the competitiveness of the country is a great toll on its citizens.

Ok, I must admit (finally) that I regret not studying when I was younger. I am years back from the starting point and this thought is frightening. I may never find my niche. I don’t wanna stay stagnant! I don’t want to know that the effort I put in to complete my degree is not getting me anywhere. Although I have a fantastic boss, I am really dying to move on. I want to embark on a different career path and most of all find my niche. Yea, I said I wanna be ‘Jack’ (of all trades) but no one is giving me the chance to be. Until I move out of this industry, I can’t help but feel dejected and lost like a headless housefly. This feeling sucks! :(

Employers should give all a fair chance and not only those with experience. Haro?? Fresh blood gives new life to old ideas period! For all you know, experienced people may be complacent and what is the point of reusing old ideas over and again anyway when success is dependent on the difference one can make. Enough rambling oredi. Time to crash. Gotta get ready to send out more applications tomorrow! Nite world. . .

A Shocking Revelation

I have never really recovered from my lost of faith. Part of me remains sore even as I try hard to recover. I blame it on the weakness of mankind; my own weakness. But the revelation has changed my perception. Totally. The revelation has made me lose faith completely. I know it is not likely that I will ever regain any tad bit of the lost faith much as I struggle to remain good. The revelation has made me realise I have been ignored, abandoned and unloved. I am not my Father's child. And I have just crossed the thin line into disbelief.

Religion is akin to public relations in the form of crisis management; all it takes is one incident to shake the faith of the believers and the public. And all the good that had happened would easily be shadowed and overlooked. But in the case of the latter, rebuilding process can be seen; corporations reach out to the public positively, re-vamping the company's image, communicate and send assurance. If all are done correctly, second chances are granted to them.

Whereas in the case of the former, believers although shaken would still stand by their religion; believing in the higher and more superior being. Coaxing themselves to believe that whatever that happened did happen for a reason; a reason known only to the Almighty. When they can no longer hold on to that belief, they will forsake their religion for good like consumers boycotting an image-deprived company. I used to be one of those believers. I have just disengaged for I cannot believe why evil people can dwell in happiness and why do they even deserve to be happy at all?

If being evil has no bad repercussion then nothing should stop me from joining them. If selling one's soul to the devil is the way to have a good life why not?? It may seem like that gang of the bad has won me over but I feel that it is the faith of the good that has pushed me away. Until I see that the bad and the evil get their just desserts I don't think I will ever walk back again.

Double Fs

Freedom finally! I am done with Grunig, Hofstede, Kotter, Kotler and the likes! That is of course if I pass corp comms; I have screwed up the exams big time. Fingers crossed. Now I need at least one month to recuperate from the stress of the last few months. Then begin my new journey again. :)

Friendships. Had a thought last night of someone who used to call me some evenings and greet me by my Chinese name.  Let's call him CC.   CC and I used to hang out quite a bit and I enjoyed his company and all his juicy scandals and deep dark secrets. He was also the one who brought the 'best' into my life and I really treasured our friendship but at the end of the day, I realised he has never really been my friend and he is no longer my friend. He has relocated since and we have stopped contacting each other. Perhaps not becos of his relocation but becos he was never really my friend to begin with. Friendships, kinships, relationships are all alike. Do they all have an expiry date? Seems like no matter how much effort is put in to maintain one it never seem to last. Many friends have came and gone but I am glad that I have met them at different phases of my life; they all shone different lights. I dunno ever since when I stop putting in effort to be nice; cordial at best. Becos I dun want to regret when a friendship can no longer be maintained or to know that the person I called friend eventually end up betraying me. Building relationships with others is no longer my forte.