Singlehood Rocks (Not?)!

Don't disprove me just becos you think otherwise.

Nothing beats having the entire bed to myself and it sure sucks to play 'tug-o-wars' in a half-conscious state of mind.

But somehow for someone my age (hitting the big 3 next year!! Dammit!!) making this statement it sure sounds so very self-consoling. Really.... NOT!

I contemplated for a while, wondering if I should touch on this subject. Cos I was naively afraid that the ex may accidentally trawl upon this and finds out that I have been single since we ended like 1, 2.. coming 3 years? (Ya, ya ya, aside from the hours he put in at work at golf and at home as someone else's husband and father, he is so darn free to trawl the net to find your blog... *TSK.. The key word is accidentally leh!) But what the heck??!! This is my blog and I don't care if he could by any chance read this cos we have nothing to do with each other anymore!  And hell, single or not, I have been happy without him!  Stoopid fat old fake fooker!! Eat shit, die and rot in hell over and again and may your arse be ripped apart by many monsters at one go!!

Anyways, yes I have been single for coming 3 years now (the longest ever!) and have been in involuntary celibacy ever since (again, the longest ever!!). Yea, frens are all teasing about how the amount of spiderwebs combined together can form a wall - Berlin Wall! (OUCH..) Lolx! But it will come crashing down someday just like THE Berlin Wall too (I hope..)!

The pressure for me to get hitched or at least have a boyfriend to show is slowly surfacing - unlike its past invisible form - from various sources and for various reasons. Becos I'm not young anymore and it's time for me to settle down la and becos they haven't seen me with anyone for a long time la and becos my clock is ticking la (tick-tock, tick-tock) and becos my younger sister is oredi a mother of 2 la... Yadda yadda yadda.... How about giving me some breathing space??  It's so unfair that guys don't get this kinda pressure or even if they do it'd be at an older age.  Damn unfair!

I am really not so concerned (not enuf to actually run overseas to 避年 yet) about all the comments from my relatives since I only see them and hear them once a year during CNY. But funny how they would never pose questions on my work or my studies. I guess their mentality is that traditionally Chinese gals at my age are supposed to be married and be home looking after lil tots. No need for work or studies back in their days. But hey, that's back in their days leh. It is not uncommon these days for gals my age to be single wot. ...although in my circle of frens most of them are either married, divorced (with/without kids) or pregnant or mother of XX number of kids. But beyond my tiny circle I am sure there are tons of single gals around my age out there leh...... **Singing "All the single ladies all the single ladies now put your hands up!"**

Now again, the concern is not about what my one-year-see-one-time relatives think (really, wot is it to them anyway? they are only asking for the sake of having a 2-min conversation before they hand over the measly ang paos), but my usually quiet mommie has began to drop subtle hints of 'wanting me outta the house'. It started some time last year I think. And she always does it very randomly and out of the blue, so unexpected that I nearly choked on my food once.

And of cos the usual "peer pressure". Becos everyone have and I don't have and that makes me so acutely aware that I am the "last gal standing"... (not exactly la, like I hv said earlier there are still a few of us but in terms of my close group then...I am) @_@" But so wot? Being single is not a crime. I am not going to get hitched to some Tommy, Dicky or Harry just becos I am losing "my shelf life". And besides, I seriously have no complaints about my current status albeit that lil "peer pressure" I feel once in a while. Or when I think of tat fooker living in bliss. PUI PUI PUI!!! **Spit green slimy phlegm and saliva in your face!

Aside from that kinda "peer pressure", there's this other kinda "peer pressure" - the matchmaking frens. Lolx!! It is all with good intentions I know. No harm getting to know more frens wot.  Nice frens I have! :) And then there's MMP who will always, constantly, incessantly *nei, nei, nei (nag) at me. Our conversations concerning this "me and (where's) boyfriend"  issue will always go something like this:

MMP: "Why ah? Why ah? I don't understand leh. You are not ugly wot. Why is it that no guys go after you huh? "

BBP (Me): "I dunno MMP."

MMP: "Really leh, so many years oredi and I have not heard or seen anyone going after you except XXX (a mutual fren). Why?? Are all the guys blind or wot?"

BBP: "MMP I dunno. Dun ask me."

Sometimes I'll wonder too. There's definitely nothing wrong in the looks department I am sure. *grin grin then LOL*  And definitely not becos I have set some unattainable criteria.  Haro, no one is going after me in the first place (let's look past the miserable one or two I have zero interest in) leh. Some frens commented that it's my 'loud nature' that puts guys off.

Well, I am not your typical dainty, gentle, demure, soft-spoken (oh man, these words are so UN-me!) gals. Then obviously I am the rowdy, talks loudly and animatedly, high pitch laughing, uncouth gal who is very often overlooked by my guy frens as a gal. They'd say things like, "Stop being so chor lor la! If you can be more lady-like, there's sure to be a lot of guys going after you!"  But this is me.

In the first place if a guy dismisses me becos of the way I behave then it only goes to show (1) how superficial he is; (2) he is the one of those stoopid fools waiting to get cheated by some doe-eyed sweety pie; or (3) he is one helluva himbo (ya la, the male version of bimbo = brainless).  Haro......... If and when a guy sees me in that mode I am obviously with my bunch of frens and of cos there is no reason for me to not be myself with them wot.  But say if I am at a gala dinner or some super atas place or in some uber dead serious important meeting then of cos I will behave differently la.  For goodness' sake, I am a Scorpion and I super want 'face' one ok!  I'd rather be dead than to be caught in a wrong mode at the wrong place and time.

Ha! Ultimately, many actually dunno that I too can be gentle and soft-spoken but only with the person I lurve. (Lucky old fooker! Only he got to see that side of me.)  Sounds rather contradicting for a 'chor lor' gal to do that right but it's true.  And there was no pretence at all - au naturel.  I am serious. It has been verified.  Don't believe?  Be your own judge.

Phone rang on a normal work day afternoon (say 3ish)

Me:  Wot u want?

Fren:  Wot are you doing?

Me (voice at 100 decibel and super irritated):  Working la.  Wot else can I be doing?  PCC??  *rolling eyes*

Fren:  Wanna go dinner tonight?

Me:  Where?

Fren:  I dunno leh.  Anywhere lo.  You decide la.

Me (voice now at 70 decibel but menacing):  Eh, u jio me for dinner and you dunno where you wanna go??  Pls, go ask the rest of them or confirm a location then call me can? 

Fren:  Ok lo, let you know later.

Me hung up.

Phone rang again on a normal work day afternoon (say also 3ish)

Me:  Hello?

BF:  Wot are you doing?

Me (voice at 20 decibel):  I'm at work, D.  Wot about you?

BF:  Filming lor.  Now having a break.  Think I'm going to take a nap in the car for a while.

Me (voice still at 20 decibel):  Oh, do you want me to wake you up later?

BF:  Erm, ok.  Wake me up in an hr's time?

Me (voice remains at 20 decibel):  Ok D.  So are you meeting me for dinner later?

BF:  I'm not sure.  Filming may end late tonight.  See how ok?

Me (voice continues to be at 20 decibel):  Erm, then shall I wait for you in town or go home first?

BF:  Go home first ok?  I really dunno wot time I'll finish tonight.  We may have to meet for supper instead by the time I finish.  Eat first if you're hungry.  I'll call you when I am done.

Me (voice now at 10 decibel cos trying to mask disappointment):  Orh, ok lo.  Go nap la, I'll wake you up.

BF hung up.

Pealee has heard so many of such conversations.  She used to say she could always hear the entire conversation between my frens and I but she could never hear my conversations with boyfriend (fooker).  Haha!  Power of lurve!  People can do anything in the name of lurve!  See?  This shows that I too have a 'not so chor lor' side ok!  Wotever la,  I am sure someday my prince charming in a cute lil mini cooper will come sweep me off my feet becos he lurves me for who I am!  Yay!!  Happiness!!  :))  And for now, I shall continue to comfortably indulge in singlehood!

Fwah... this post is so darn long, probably the longest I have ever wrote.  See wot happens when I have to suppress the urge to blog about this topic for so G-D-F long???  All that old fooker's fault!  Just disappear from the face of earth can?  I don't even want to see your face in the obituary lest my eyes get hurt by ugly things.

Can't stand it.  I dunno how many times I have cursed and scolded that old fooker in this one entry.  The hatred is like so blatant.  Ya, wotever la..  I am darn sleepy now.  Time to crash!  Nite nite world!! :)

**Footnote:  I have no idea how loud is 10 or 100 decibel for the matter, the figures are only used comparatively.

An Unlucky Coincidence!!

I don’t normally have much luck but I didn’t think I could be so unlucky. Like seriously unlucky. I am recalling yesterday’s incident not becos it affects me but becos I can’t believe the kinda arse luck I have.

I have unluckily bumped into 'fooker & family'!!  What are the chances?? It was after all a weekday and I should have been at work. To think that it could be so unlucky for my medical appointment to be scheduled on this day at the same medical centre!

When I saw his big head from afar, I quickly turned away to continue my conversation with Sabby but as I was seated at an open area (and I'm so big) they obviously can't miss me.  So yes, they saw me as they came near.   Even at the distance of less than 5 meters, I pretended I didn’t see them at all and tried my very best to avoid all eye contact with them.  (Ugly things hurt my eyes)  But from my peripheral sight I could see him turn to look at me; once, twice and for a third time like as if to confirm that it was really me that he saw or perhaps to recall where he had seen this face.   I dunno and I dun care. 

I am proud that I could maintain a poker face throughout the entire ordeal even Sabby could not detect a single trace of emotion. Sabby told me that she continued to stare at me (and he continued to look over from his corner) while we were waiting, I guess she wanted to gain eye contact so that she could flaunt her precious child to me. Too bad, I didn’t give her that satisfaction.

It was pure arse luck for me really. I escaped their sight once but failed to do so this time round. I felt a whole load of anger afterwards for a while but it was nothing compared to Sabby’s hysterical recollection. I thought I was badly affected by the incident that I would cry once I get home to solitary comfort but I didn’t and had no urge to. Before I knew it, I was busy with other stuff oredi.

Oh well, that’s the story of my life; always have a bigger share of bad luck than others. I hope I won’t be subjected to such displeasuring experience again else I’d have to stock up loads of eyewash at home. Lolx!!

A Lil Exercise Called Reflection

It was one breezy evening during one of the many hormonal changing weeks that led me to reflect on the last few years of my life. I recalled those burnt weekends I struggled to complete my assignments, prepared for exams; the evenings I had to click-clock to school in my high heels and my ultra heavy bag and I actually miss those days, the impending datelines, and the stress that was constantly hot on my heels.

As memory continued to rewind, I recalled the days when I was packing up the past. That moment when the decision was made and the relief I felt when I did so. I knew then that life would be very different altogether. It has been indeed. 2½ years on, I am happy with the changes I have made. I am more generous with my smiles now and I have definitely learned to appreciate myself and everything and everyone around me more.

Perhaps CC was right that I did learn a lot through that journey with him. Perhaps I did. But there's no doubt that I have lost myself in those seven years becos life was all about him; my only direction and goal was to be with him and marry him, and the objectives always revolved around keeping him pleased and satisfied with zero regard for repercussion. I used to think of it as sheer determination to realize now that the only apt word to describe is foolishness. Leaving him was akin to awakening to reality; it took that much to realize that I do exist too. I do have my own needs and wants too and all of which were callously suppressed by blind lurve. But yes, I have learned. I learned that I too am capable of lurving 101%. I will continue to stick to my belief that lurve is all-encompassing; lurve is about lurving the person for who he/she is and who he/she may become, lurve is about lurving the best sides and the bad sides. I am proud to say I did that. :))

When I could not recall how I had to pick up the broken pieces of my heart, I began to reflect on my relationship with God. Indeed God has worked in His own mysterious ways. God has answered my prayers and cushioned my fall and hence I felt no pain when I let go. But was that the best I could be given? Even though I know deep down in me that this is the best for me, a part of me simply could not and would not recognize this fact. Like a child throwing tantrum over a toy, I refused to pray. After all, to put it in a cliché manner, I have lost the lurve of my life. I guess I never expected the events would unfold in such way even though I am fully aware that I have gained much more than I have lost. Still, I am not sure I can say I am truly satisfied with this finale. But no doubt I am happy now. :)) I will pray again someday soon I hope, I really want to.

Reflecting led me to think of the numerous ‘what ifs’ I have and have had. ‘What ifs’ are like unresolved issues that called out for closure. Pondering on the ‘what ifs’ is a tiring and time wasting affair that brings no conclusion and I often try not to do so. Let the ‘what ifs’ be a passing thought at best. But speaking of closure, there is always a tiny gap obstructing the closure of this episode; a tiny gap that could be easily filled with that one word which could lift away all the hatred in my heart. But it really matters not whether there’s closure or otherwise, my life still goes on all the same. :)) After all, we are nothing more than strangers to each other since that fateful day. . .

Review Reduze - Updated!!

Product review, this is my first. Actually I can't accurately review the product at this stage as I have only just started consumption/usage for two weeks. But of course I will update this post at the end of the requisite period.

Reduze is a brand of slimming pills available over the counter at Watsons as well as Guardian pharmacy. Backed by several researches, it is said to be genuinely effective. But like every other sceptical individual I have doubts especially when the spokesperson is a skinny celebrity; she has no pounds or fats to shed off in the first place. Well, but the path of indulgence has left me with no choice. Nope, no other choice since I'm too lazy and unmotivated to exercise. Adding other factors such as quit puffing, having overly nice frens who love to treat and my involuntary celibacy have resulted in me successfully pile up the extras in a short span of time.

With Reductil taken off prescription and Panbesy and Duromine being too strong for me (I nearly fell into depression the last time I took them), Reduze is my last resort. If this doesn’t work, I will die of fatness!!! Yes, I’m at my all-time heaviest and I'm officially a size 12 now!! :(( Some of my dresses are bursting @ the seams while others I can’t even zip up anymore!! I guess it has come to the point that if I dun do something about my escalating weight I'd need to revamp my entire wardrobe very soon!

Back to reviewing. I eventually bought Reduze not becos of the skinny celebrity endorsement but the ads showing the successful weigh loss of the common folks hoping that it will work for me too. The pills come in a box of 60 sold at the price of SGD128.00, and the recommended dosages is one before lunch and one before dinner and consume not more than six a day. According to the guideline written on the box, there will be no weight loss during the first two weeks of consumption as it is for some kinda ‘readjustment’ in the system; increasing the metabolism rate and so forth. From the 3^rd week onwards, consumers should experience some weight loss and I would assume that the pills must be taken in continuation for a period of at least two months before the effects can be fully seen.

I trawled upon someone else’s blog the other day giving a review on Reduze. Seems like Reduze didn’t work for her (note: she gave up after three weeks) and she even gained weight during that period. I wonder if this attribute to my very recent weight gain? But anyhow I am only at the 2^nd week now and just started the 3^rd slab. But I probably won’t continue for the 2^nd month if I don’t see any weight loss by the time I finish this box. I will go beg doctors for the lower dosage of Panbesy or Duromine instead. Gonna update again once I finished the last pill! :) wish me luck!!

Oh, one last thing to note, the pills are very ‘smelly’ not foul smelling but some kinda awful pungent smell that lingers on the fingers after touching. So wear a glove to avoid the lingering smell.

UPDATE (June 2011): I have completed one course of Reduze pills. And the results? I have wasted my SGD128.00. I have experienced NO weight loss at all. The pills have zero effect on me and in fact I feel that I have gained weight instead (as verified by my peers). For the record, there was no binging; I ate as usual if not lesser. So, in conclusion, I will not recommend the pills and will not be buying another box myself. I shall stick to my apple for dinner diet and see how it goes...

- Posted using BlogPress from Lulu's iPhone

Casting My Sacred Vote

I clearly remember the first time I voted back in the 2006 General Election.  That day has been deeply etched in my mind not becos it was the first time I was voting but becos of the fooker I was with.  Honestly, I didn't give two hoots about politics or my citizenship or the future of Singapore back then.  All that mattered to me was that fooker.  That polling day was the same day that marked the fourth year of the relationship and also the same day I found out that he was bedding his landlady. 

Ok, off point. Enough of digression.  Back to the topic of this year's General Election.  I belong to the group of 'between 20 something to 30 something' that the ruling party was trying hard to reach out to.  The same group that PM was rallying to at Raffles Place.  This group of us make up a large percentage of voters for this year's GE.  And this same group is one with opinion, voice and independent thots; one that would not be led blindly and would not go down without a fight.  And one that lives, breathes, talk and criticize in this social media era - the current power tool that can make or break a person or an organization alike.  So yes, my vote is sacred. 

I woke up very early on polling day to vote and to avoid the late morning crowd.  Even as I was walking towards the polling centre, I was still pretty much undecided on the party I was to vote for.  Sure the ruling party had done some damages that were detrimental for many of us and we hated their unilateral way of handling matters concerning the country on the whole.  But they too deserve some credit for building Singapore to what it is today.  The question then becomes do I want to rock the solid foundation that had been laid in exchange for some rhetoric theories of opposition parties?  Should I be on the white side or should I lend my vote so as to increase the chances of opposition having more seats in the Parliament?

Then I recalled the days leading up to this moment.  Everywhere I  went, people were discussing about GE.  Many of whom were openly discussing who they were going to vote for.  People in the hawker centres, coffeeshops, any place where people could gather.  Even in the washroom I heard of this topic and how they were determined to vote for opposition and how the ruling party needs to 'learn their lesson'.  Same thing was happening on the online platform, many are outrightly boo-ing the ruling party and posted about how they are of full support of the opposition parties.

I was still hesitant up to the moment when I was supposed to draw my 'X'.  I would  like to think that I did right by my constituency but beyond that I wasn't sure.  There is a tinge of regret that made me wonder if I should have done otherwise.  

Everyone were excited about this year's GE as this is one where all except one ward are contested.  Those who didn't have a chance to vote previously have been given that chance to do so, e.g. Marine Parade residents.  I was eager to know the results too.  A few of us gathered as usual at UCS to watch and anticipate together.  A lil sidebet was ongoing to keep the interest of those who weren't so keen.  

I was rather surprised at the end results.  Some GRCs which I thot would have been conquered by the opposition remain in the hands of the ruling party.  As I mentioned earlier, all the conversations I heard from people on the streets convinced me that the ruling party would have lost more seats than it did becos none I heard ever said they would vote for them.  Well, it eventually returned to Parliament with 81 out of 87 seats and the other 6 were taken by the opposition and only one party - the Workers' Party.  And not forgetting a well-liked minister was lost as part of the collateral damage. 

The results made me feel that Singaporeans are 'kiasu' after all.  What happened to all the talks about voting for opposition?  How did the ruling party ended up back in Parliament with most of the seats?  After all the hype, this is the best support the opposition could get?  Didn't the people say that they are going to beat the hoax/invisible threat of losing benefits that came as a result of voting for opposition?  Then what happened?  

Of cos the ruling party has their own die-hard supporters as well as the votes of the new citizens but I guess there are those who still believe in the invisible threat.  By looking at it this way, I guess I could probably explain away the unexpected scores. 

Anyhow, even though the ruling party garnered most seats but they returned with an overall much lower percentage at the end of the day.  By this alone shows that there is much to learn from this watershed election especially for the ruling party.  Some may say 6 seats are not enough while others may say it is a good lesson taught to the ruling party.  I am more inclined to agree with the latter.  Seems to me this is one jolting experience that had woke them up from the state of complacency.  Time to hear us speak, Gar-men!!

Omitted Topic

Met up with an old friend couple of days back; an old friend whom I have mentioned earlier is no longer a friend. Ha! Slapped me in my face! The catch up turned out to be unexpectedly pleasant despite the fact that we have not met or spoken for almost three years.

We had lots of stuff to catch up on; how our lives have evolved over the last few years and reminisced on the past we used to share. It is nice to know that the old habits that make the very essence of me are clearly remembered. The flip side of this meet up is that somehow we could not avoid talking about the existence of the omitted one. Omitted from my life that is. I was trying to fool myself beforehand that the topic could be avoided but I knew it was almost too tough if not impossible.

CC asked why do I still hate? Becos I so loved and have so given everything I ever had. Perhaps he didn’t agree with me when I said my years were wasted but concurred that the efforts that I have put in serve as a justification for the hatred. How long would it take for me to accept him as a friend again? I said that day would never come. I won’t create a scene if I see him but I won’t stay around too. The hatred is deeply rooted and try as I may but I cannot forgive. And as I rambled that night… …Some things cannot be forgotten, some people cannot be forgiven.

Certifiably Ironic

My heart goes out to Japan and its people. Its Prime Minister said that the country is facing its worst crisis of all time since WWII after being hit by earthquake + tsunami, which have brought upon unimaginable damages, losses and pain to the country and its people. I can only hope that assistance from the rest of the world would render Japan a quicker recovery and pray that the demised souls have peace.

This unfortunate event got me thinking. Of this island I belong to and brought up in. ‘Kiasu’ – as we have been labeled – definitively means ‘afraid to lose’. I am suddenly wondering why. As in why are we so afraid to lose when we don’t even have that much to speak of in comparison to other countries. We have no natural resources, and we are geographically on lowland surrounded by other bigger countries that would shield us from natural disasters. All we have are people which by now means half of the population is made up of foreign influx.

Why then are we so ‘kiasu’? With such state of mind, would we be able to stand united in a crisis that affects the entire nation? Or would we care more about our own well-being, put our own interest before others even in the wake of a crisis becos we are ‘kiasu’? Would there be zilch survivor at the end of the day becos we were all looking out only for our own survival? In a country where courtesy has to be encouraged and promoted through nation-wide campaigns, I don’t dare imagine. I can only pray that no crisis this large-scaled would ever befall upon this tiny island where unity seems scarce. . .