Riding Tat Wave

Aaaaaahhhhhh..... Today is one of those days I managed to finish most of my work and come home fairly early with of course a decent amount of brain cells left so I decided to spend a lil time blogging. For the first time on my pad pad. :) And not forgetting to ride on the last wave of 'post' emotions to do so.

Have just been reminded today of how fragile life is and how we should treasure people around us before it's too late. I had a relationship with someone who would often tell me how much I meant to him becos "he didn't want to regret not saying when it's all too late" but I gave up that relationship for someone who didn't give two hoots about my feelings or even my existence. And the greatest irony is I gave my all to him and became the one who constantly proclaimed my lurve becos I too didn't want to regret.

Have been told that this blog is filled with posts of my past when I have ironically stated that I'd leave the soil unturned. It probably gave the impression that I have never truly gotten over. But honestly, do I have to completely stop talking about the past before people will finally acknowledge that hmmmmmm.....perhaps MAT is absolutely over it. Well, I have not come across anyone who has not mentioned anything of their past thus far. Yes, I get it that people speak of their past in general while I seem to be overly focused on one aspect.

I believe there's a difference between getting over and forgetting. I have definitely gotten over. I am fortunate that my prayer was answered and getting over was an almost painless affair. But forgotten? I dun think it would even be remotely possible to totally forget something that once formed the greatest part of my life. How can anyone completely swear off the very thing that used to make their life whole?

It is regretful that I have to waste seven years to learn the lesson but I have learnt nonetheless. I dunno wot the future holds in terms of my lurve life (or lack thereof) but I know that the mistakes will never be repeated for anyone else. If karma is real, then he must be my karma for the avalanche of hurt that I have caused others. It is really infuriating to see him live in bliss and I hope karma too will befall unto him in hundred thousands folds! Stoopid ole fooker...

Surviving First Month & Expecting The Unexpected

Have been wanting to blog about my new job since the first week but work has been rather hectic and that leaves me pretty drained on other times when I am not working.  And I didn't want to wrongly jump to any conclusion.

And so, first month has been.. yes, hectic.  If someone were to ask me now if I think PR is for me, I wouldn't be able to truthfully answer that just yet as there are many other aspects that make up PR that I have yet learn.  But I like what I have been doing thus far and I would lurve to learn about everything else soon.  However, what I can say for now is that this new job has taught me 2 things that I have been meaning to do - being punctual and poker face.

Ha! I have been punctual alright!  But I am still learning and trying hard to keep my emotions masked.  I should have learnt this long ago but have not been getting down to it and then comes the job that gives me the perfect reason to do so.  I am hoping to emerge a poker face practitioner soon!  :))

Then there is the unexpected.  So much so that it unexpectedly broke me.  Yes it did, you win again ole fooker.  All these while when people posed the hypothetical question of what would I do if he initiate contact again, I would confidently reply that that day would not come, he would not do so becos I have clearly told him to leave me alone and given his character I knew I won't hear from him again.  And so becos I treated the question as hypothetical, I never had an answer to it becos I didn't think there would ever be a need.  I was that confident.

Receiving his text totally stunned me.  I didn't recognise the number at first but it looked awfully familiar and it took me less than 2 mins to realise who it was.  I was not prepared to ever receive a text from him again especially not when a thot of him just flashed by seconds before that (eerie..).  I mean it has been almost 3 years and he is a father now, why the hell does he still need to know how am I doing now???????  What is it to you whether I have moved on well or not??????? 

I thot I have clearly conveyed to his bestest fren how impossible it is for me to ever forgive him.  And I don't believe he didn't tell him that at all??  Well, forgiving him is not in my agenda; not then, not now and not ever.  In actuality, all it takes is that one word to lessen the hatred and I could have been appeased but it's too late now.  That's him; forever callous towards how I feel.  This time I am very sure he won't ever try to initiate contact again.

So many years later and you are still so selfish.  You broke me and I won't let you do it again.  You read it right.  I will bring this hatred for you to my grave.      

Blogging & Me

I feel the need to address this topic on blogging.  Not that it should matter to anyone but I just don't want to appear so amateurish just becos it's stated that this blog was started only in July 2011. (See?  I am a typical Scorpion - super want face!)  ;p

Reading backwards, it will show that this blog contains posts dating back to 2010; those are some of the posts that I have brought over from another blog which I have now deleted.  In actual fact, I have been blogging since 2005/2006 and I have been somewhat like a "floating" blogger until now (I hope).  

I first started blogging on my Friendster account, then I decided to create an account with MySpace which didn't last beyond one entry and then came my first blogspot account that was semi-permanent.  I maintained  that blogspot account for about 4 years while also blogging on Facebook in between.  I decided to stop posting entries in that blog after my relationship with the fooker came to an end.  Needless to say, most of the entries in that blog was about us; the relationship, my feelings, our past and to stop posting in that blog is part of my effort to 'delete the past'.  I don't want to be reminded of the past every time I post a new entry and so I made the decision to start yet another new blog.  I have not deleted that blog yet though becos I like the way I wrote with that emotionally-driven sense of creativity, and I want to save it for my pleasure reading which could happen someday in future.

And so I had created yet another blogspot account right before this which was around for about a year or so.  The main reason for me to delete that blog was becos of the name - LuluOddball - which was coined by two nicknames given by my frens.  I got stuck to that name for a while and hence the choice for my blog name.  I lurve the name 'Lulu' and I want to permanently use it and create my branding with it so I have decided that 'oddball' has to go.   And taaa-daaaa!!  The birth of 'Lululicious'!  I have been using 'Lululicious' for a while now and I intend to continue doing so and creating this new blog (and deleting the old) is the last part of my move to do away with 'oddball'.

Honestly, I don't think I am odd.  I merely like things that are not attractive to others or I am drawn to less than attractive things (e.g. my curious interest in taking pictures of insects).  Well, I'd like to think that I am a lil different from common folks; be it in a good or bad way.  Anyways, this pretty much sums up my relationship with blogging.  I will blog more regularly now if time permits and of course if I am not feeling too lazy and  when I am inspired by a topic.  Hmmmmm...

**Flashing thought:  Why do we need 'courtesy movement campaigns' to encourage us to be more courteous?  When I see those posters plastered on the walls in MRT stations reminding people to stand on one side of the escalator, it makes me wonder why is it that people can't just have that tad bit of initiative?  And by the way, I don't think the posters are of any use becos the problem has not been resolved; selfish people are still choking up the escalators during peak hours like as if it's their prerogative to do so.  For once I'd have to say that the trashes are not to be blamed; this is a pre-existing Singapore issue.  Haro??  Courtesy campaigns have been ongoing since I was a kid and perhaps even before my time.  But the presence of these trashes have most definitely worsen the situation; they have made us all the more explicitly 'kiasu'.  Waste another 10 years running courtesy campaigns and I am pretty sure the situation will very much remain the same... 

Heaving A Sigh Of Relief (Finally! Yipee!!)

I am excited!  And it's for a very good reason - I am finally taken!  Yea, after searching endlessly for a good eight months I have finally got a new job and am starting next week!  I am totally looking forward to it! :))  (Fingers crossed...)

It's never easy to leave the comfort of familiarity and embark onto a new journey all over again.  It is certainly no simple task to leave the comfort of working with people who knows me and have gotten used to the way I work and perhaps also gotten used to the eccentric side of me that comes visiting every once in a while.  From Monday onwards, I can't be late for work anymore!  And it will be a total new environment with a new working culture to learn from and adapt to.

But I see this change as a new learning point and I look forward to the challenge.  Well, it has not been easy for me to get hired considering the fact that I am older than many of the local fresh graduates and more expensive in comparison to the foreign talents (trash).  Armed with nil experience in the field that I want to venture into, I have half the chances and have to face double the challenges.  And in this course of searching for new employment, I have went from all excited to all disheartened to all desperation when my applications garnered few responses and even fewer interviews; the ratio was approximately 20:5:1.  I had even experienced that sense of regret for doing my degree when the end results of all my hard work is far from what I have expected.  But such a thought is definitely no surprise.  After all, I don't have a filthy rich father to sponsor my studies and I had to hold down two jobs while studying just so that I can manage the loan.  

So you can imagine the kind of relief I felt when I was told that I have secured the job after two rounds of interviews. Interestingly, the 2nd round of interview was a "mass interview" where all the candidates were asked to attend and be interviewed together and where our responses were no longer privileged to the interviewer(s) solely.  I wasn't feeling too confident after the interview as I realised that; (1) I was the oldest candidate (yes! can you imagine my fellow candidates are all in their early and mid-twenties??!!?); and (2) they are from local Uni (definitely better qualified than my overseas degree!).  Again, you can imagine the joy I felt when I received the email confirming that I have gotten the job!  :)

Now about the job.  A 'Graduate Recruitment Programme' as it is termed is a six-month contract position in a medium size local PR agency.  The plus side is  that the next six months would be a platform for me to learn the ropes of PR and be paid for it!  But the flip side means that I could very well be jobless after six months if I can't prove to be of value.  Then again, this is the same risk present in many other jobs is it not?   At least I am given the chance to learn and prove my worth and at the same time to find out whether I am cut out for this. Perhaps, I am worrying too much now.  I am a true blue worrywart man!  >.<"  Maybe the anxiety of starting in a new and unfamiliar environment is more overwhelming than I have given credit for.  Nonetheless, I am still looking forward.  I lurve challenges and this new journey is yet another I am set to discover. 

"Good things are worth the wait" - I hear of this cliche saying so very often and I surely hope that after all the wait (search) this is the job for me!  I can't wait for Monday!!  Wish me luck!  :))

Singlehood Rocks (Not?)!

Don't disprove me just becos you think otherwise.

Nothing beats having the entire bed to myself and it sure sucks to play 'tug-o-wars' in a half-conscious state of mind.

But somehow for someone my age (hitting the big 3 next year!! Dammit!!) making this statement it sure sounds so very self-consoling. Really.... NOT!

I contemplated for a while, wondering if I should touch on this subject. Cos I was naively afraid that the ex may accidentally trawl upon this and finds out that I have been single since we ended like 1, 2.. coming 3 years? (Ya, ya ya, aside from the hours he put in at work at golf and at home as someone else's husband and father, he is so darn free to trawl the net to find your blog... *TSK.. The key word is accidentally leh!) But what the heck??!! This is my blog and I don't care if he could by any chance read this cos we have nothing to do with each other anymore!  And hell, single or not, I have been happy without him!  Stoopid fat old fake fooker!! Eat shit, die and rot in hell over and again and may your arse be ripped apart by many monsters at one go!!

Anyways, yes I have been single for coming 3 years now (the longest ever!) and have been in involuntary celibacy ever since (again, the longest ever!!). Yea, frens are all teasing about how the amount of spiderwebs combined together can form a wall - Berlin Wall! (OUCH..) Lolx! But it will come crashing down someday just like THE Berlin Wall too (I hope..)!

The pressure for me to get hitched or at least have a boyfriend to show is slowly surfacing - unlike its past invisible form - from various sources and for various reasons. Becos I'm not young anymore and it's time for me to settle down la and becos they haven't seen me with anyone for a long time la and becos my clock is ticking la (tick-tock, tick-tock) and becos my younger sister is oredi a mother of 2 la... Yadda yadda yadda.... How about giving me some breathing space??  It's so unfair that guys don't get this kinda pressure or even if they do it'd be at an older age.  Damn unfair!

I am really not so concerned (not enuf to actually run overseas to 避年 yet) about all the comments from my relatives since I only see them and hear them once a year during CNY. But funny how they would never pose questions on my work or my studies. I guess their mentality is that traditionally Chinese gals at my age are supposed to be married and be home looking after lil tots. No need for work or studies back in their days. But hey, that's back in their days leh. It is not uncommon these days for gals my age to be single wot. ...although in my circle of frens most of them are either married, divorced (with/without kids) or pregnant or mother of XX number of kids. But beyond my tiny circle I am sure there are tons of single gals around my age out there leh...... **Singing "All the single ladies all the single ladies now put your hands up!"**

Now again, the concern is not about what my one-year-see-one-time relatives think (really, wot is it to them anyway? they are only asking for the sake of having a 2-min conversation before they hand over the measly ang paos), but my usually quiet mommie has began to drop subtle hints of 'wanting me outta the house'. It started some time last year I think. And she always does it very randomly and out of the blue, so unexpected that I nearly choked on my food once.

And of cos the usual "peer pressure". Becos everyone have and I don't have and that makes me so acutely aware that I am the "last gal standing"... (not exactly la, like I hv said earlier there are still a few of us but in terms of my close group then...I am) @_@" But so wot? Being single is not a crime. I am not going to get hitched to some Tommy, Dicky or Harry just becos I am losing "my shelf life". And besides, I seriously have no complaints about my current status albeit that lil "peer pressure" I feel once in a while. Or when I think of tat fooker living in bliss. PUI PUI PUI!!! **Spit green slimy phlegm and saliva in your face!

Aside from that kinda "peer pressure", there's this other kinda "peer pressure" - the matchmaking frens. Lolx!! It is all with good intentions I know. No harm getting to know more frens wot.  Nice frens I have! :) And then there's MMP who will always, constantly, incessantly *nei, nei, nei (nag) at me. Our conversations concerning this "me and (where's) boyfriend"  issue will always go something like this:

MMP: "Why ah? Why ah? I don't understand leh. You are not ugly wot. Why is it that no guys go after you huh? "

BBP (Me): "I dunno MMP."

MMP: "Really leh, so many years oredi and I have not heard or seen anyone going after you except XXX (a mutual fren). Why?? Are all the guys blind or wot?"

BBP: "MMP I dunno. Dun ask me."

Sometimes I'll wonder too. There's definitely nothing wrong in the looks department I am sure. *grin grin then LOL*  And definitely not becos I have set some unattainable criteria.  Haro, no one is going after me in the first place (let's look past the miserable one or two I have zero interest in) leh. Some frens commented that it's my 'loud nature' that puts guys off.

Well, I am not your typical dainty, gentle, demure, soft-spoken (oh man, these words are so UN-me!) gals. Then obviously I am the rowdy, talks loudly and animatedly, high pitch laughing, uncouth gal who is very often overlooked by my guy frens as a gal. They'd say things like, "Stop being so chor lor la! If you can be more lady-like, there's sure to be a lot of guys going after you!"  But this is me.

In the first place if a guy dismisses me becos of the way I behave then it only goes to show (1) how superficial he is; (2) he is the one of those stoopid fools waiting to get cheated by some doe-eyed sweety pie; or (3) he is one helluva himbo (ya la, the male version of bimbo = brainless).  Haro......... If and when a guy sees me in that mode I am obviously with my bunch of frens and of cos there is no reason for me to not be myself with them wot.  But say if I am at a gala dinner or some super atas place or in some uber dead serious important meeting then of cos I will behave differently la.  For goodness' sake, I am a Scorpion and I super want 'face' one ok!  I'd rather be dead than to be caught in a wrong mode at the wrong place and time.

Ha! Ultimately, many actually dunno that I too can be gentle and soft-spoken but only with the person I lurve. (Lucky old fooker! Only he got to see that side of me.)  Sounds rather contradicting for a 'chor lor' gal to do that right but it's true.  And there was no pretence at all - au naturel.  I am serious. It has been verified.  Don't believe?  Be your own judge.

Phone rang on a normal work day afternoon (say 3ish)

Me:  Wot u want?

Fren:  Wot are you doing?

Me (voice at 100 decibel and super irritated):  Working la.  Wot else can I be doing?  PCC??  *rolling eyes*

Fren:  Wanna go dinner tonight?

Me:  Where?

Fren:  I dunno leh.  Anywhere lo.  You decide la.

Me (voice now at 70 decibel but menacing):  Eh, u jio me for dinner and you dunno where you wanna go??  Pls, go ask the rest of them or confirm a location then call me can? 

Fren:  Ok lo, let you know later.

Me hung up.

Phone rang again on a normal work day afternoon (say also 3ish)

Me:  Hello?

BF:  Wot are you doing?

Me (voice at 20 decibel):  I'm at work, D.  Wot about you?

BF:  Filming lor.  Now having a break.  Think I'm going to take a nap in the car for a while.

Me (voice still at 20 decibel):  Oh, do you want me to wake you up later?

BF:  Erm, ok.  Wake me up in an hr's time?

Me (voice remains at 20 decibel):  Ok D.  So are you meeting me for dinner later?

BF:  I'm not sure.  Filming may end late tonight.  See how ok?

Me (voice continues to be at 20 decibel):  Erm, then shall I wait for you in town or go home first?

BF:  Go home first ok?  I really dunno wot time I'll finish tonight.  We may have to meet for supper instead by the time I finish.  Eat first if you're hungry.  I'll call you when I am done.

Me (voice now at 10 decibel cos trying to mask disappointment):  Orh, ok lo.  Go nap la, I'll wake you up.

BF hung up.

Pealee has heard so many of such conversations.  She used to say she could always hear the entire conversation between my frens and I but she could never hear my conversations with boyfriend (fooker).  Haha!  Power of lurve!  People can do anything in the name of lurve!  See?  This shows that I too have a 'not so chor lor' side ok!  Wotever la,  I am sure someday my prince charming in a cute lil mini cooper will come sweep me off my feet becos he lurves me for who I am!  Yay!!  Happiness!!  :))  And for now, I shall continue to comfortably indulge in singlehood!

Fwah... this post is so darn long, probably the longest I have ever wrote.  See wot happens when I have to suppress the urge to blog about this topic for so G-D-F long???  All that old fooker's fault!  Just disappear from the face of earth can?  I don't even want to see your face in the obituary lest my eyes get hurt by ugly things.

Can't stand it.  I dunno how many times I have cursed and scolded that old fooker in this one entry.  The hatred is like so blatant.  Ya, wotever la..  I am darn sleepy now.  Time to crash!  Nite nite world!! :)

**Footnote:  I have no idea how loud is 10 or 100 decibel for the matter, the figures are only used comparatively.

An Unlucky Coincidence!!

I don’t normally have much luck but I didn’t think I could be so unlucky. Like seriously unlucky. I am recalling yesterday’s incident not becos it affects me but becos I can’t believe the kinda arse luck I have.

I have unluckily bumped into 'fooker & family'!!  What are the chances?? It was after all a weekday and I should have been at work. To think that it could be so unlucky for my medical appointment to be scheduled on this day at the same medical centre!

When I saw his big head from afar, I quickly turned away to continue my conversation with Sabby but as I was seated at an open area (and I'm so big) they obviously can't miss me.  So yes, they saw me as they came near.   Even at the distance of less than 5 meters, I pretended I didn’t see them at all and tried my very best to avoid all eye contact with them.  (Ugly things hurt my eyes)  But from my peripheral sight I could see him turn to look at me; once, twice and for a third time like as if to confirm that it was really me that he saw or perhaps to recall where he had seen this face.   I dunno and I dun care. 

I am proud that I could maintain a poker face throughout the entire ordeal even Sabby could not detect a single trace of emotion. Sabby told me that she continued to stare at me (and he continued to look over from his corner) while we were waiting, I guess she wanted to gain eye contact so that she could flaunt her precious child to me. Too bad, I didn’t give her that satisfaction.

It was pure arse luck for me really. I escaped their sight once but failed to do so this time round. I felt a whole load of anger afterwards for a while but it was nothing compared to Sabby’s hysterical recollection. I thought I was badly affected by the incident that I would cry once I get home to solitary comfort but I didn’t and had no urge to. Before I knew it, I was busy with other stuff oredi.

Oh well, that’s the story of my life; always have a bigger share of bad luck than others. I hope I won’t be subjected to such displeasuring experience again else I’d have to stock up loads of eyewash at home. Lolx!!

A Lil Exercise Called Reflection

It was one breezy evening during one of the many hormonal changing weeks that led me to reflect on the last few years of my life. I recalled those burnt weekends I struggled to complete my assignments, prepared for exams; the evenings I had to click-clock to school in my high heels and my ultra heavy bag and I actually miss those days, the impending datelines, and the stress that was constantly hot on my heels.

As memory continued to rewind, I recalled the days when I was packing up the past. That moment when the decision was made and the relief I felt when I did so. I knew then that life would be very different altogether. It has been indeed. 2½ years on, I am happy with the changes I have made. I am more generous with my smiles now and I have definitely learned to appreciate myself and everything and everyone around me more.

Perhaps CC was right that I did learn a lot through that journey with him. Perhaps I did. But there's no doubt that I have lost myself in those seven years becos life was all about him; my only direction and goal was to be with him and marry him, and the objectives always revolved around keeping him pleased and satisfied with zero regard for repercussion. I used to think of it as sheer determination to realize now that the only apt word to describe is foolishness. Leaving him was akin to awakening to reality; it took that much to realize that I do exist too. I do have my own needs and wants too and all of which were callously suppressed by blind lurve. But yes, I have learned. I learned that I too am capable of lurving 101%. I will continue to stick to my belief that lurve is all-encompassing; lurve is about lurving the person for who he/she is and who he/she may become, lurve is about lurving the best sides and the bad sides. I am proud to say I did that. :))

When I could not recall how I had to pick up the broken pieces of my heart, I began to reflect on my relationship with God. Indeed God has worked in His own mysterious ways. God has answered my prayers and cushioned my fall and hence I felt no pain when I let go. But was that the best I could be given? Even though I know deep down in me that this is the best for me, a part of me simply could not and would not recognize this fact. Like a child throwing tantrum over a toy, I refused to pray. After all, to put it in a cliché manner, I have lost the lurve of my life. I guess I never expected the events would unfold in such way even though I am fully aware that I have gained much more than I have lost. Still, I am not sure I can say I am truly satisfied with this finale. But no doubt I am happy now. :)) I will pray again someday soon I hope, I really want to.

Reflecting led me to think of the numerous ‘what ifs’ I have and have had. ‘What ifs’ are like unresolved issues that called out for closure. Pondering on the ‘what ifs’ is a tiring and time wasting affair that brings no conclusion and I often try not to do so. Let the ‘what ifs’ be a passing thought at best. But speaking of closure, there is always a tiny gap obstructing the closure of this episode; a tiny gap that could be easily filled with that one word which could lift away all the hatred in my heart. But it really matters not whether there’s closure or otherwise, my life still goes on all the same. :)) After all, we are nothing more than strangers to each other since that fateful day. . .