All In One

Almost three months since I last blogged. My last post was of course on the topic/person that occupied my mind at that time. 

I have so many things to say. So I'm going to do a word vomit for this post and throw everything up in one. 

I can't do this chronologically else it'd all not make any sense (as if I make a lot of sense). 

Gonna start with my first solo trip to Hong Kong and Shenzhen. It was a superb experience! The weather was great, food was wonderful but shopping a lil meh though. Still awesome in every way! 

The experience of being in a (not so) foreign land on my own is so fun. It's okay to get lost along the way and be aimless without feeling guilty or obligated towards anyone. I'd definitely do another solo trip again.

And Shenzhen. OMG Shenzhen! This land of the PRCs was beyond my imagination! The place is developing so well it's no wonder why JY doesn't want to come back. Gone were the days where it carried the notorious reputation of having more criminals than workers and THE place for the rich and famous to keep their mistresses.

The city is so clean and it feels so safe (no motorcycles on the road can you imagine?!). Greenery's really green, no kidding! But what mattered most is that JY has planned the itinerary so well that I can only say I'm in awe of Shenzhen in so many ways. OCT Bay took my breathe away, so beautiful!

To be honest, half of this trip was for JY and I totally enjoyed his company (and his remarkable singing) except that he could like make me feel more wanted.. especially after I have been with someone who wanted me so much, the contrast is so stark. :/

SS said I need to get away to get over. Well yes it did help. Although it wasn't a life-changing trip but it has injected enough memories for me to acknowledge that BS is a matter of the past. And I am no longer hung up over him.

Him.. I finally managed to take a peek at his FB and put a face and a name to the term. HT happens to know her and I was told that she is a very nice and soft spoken person. They are so compatible and look so loving together.

I was reminded of the many occasions when he spoke softly and I could never hear him. 

She and I are so different. I am no doubt the change that he needed from what he has taken for granted. And it has perhaps made him treasure her more. I could finally understand why he would feel so guilty towards the both of us. 

Knowing what she's like made me feel guilty too. She did no wrong to deserve such betrayal. I thought of those times he incessantly text me when she was around. How did he manage to split himself between us? 

What we did was wrong. We should never have overstepped the boundary. But I don't regret meeting him; he was in my life for a reason.

Now I can only hope that he doesn't repeat the mistake again and that I'm his last. And Mrs. K, I owe you this - I'm sorry. For your sake, I hope you'd never find out.

I knew all too well what it was like when the one you love betrayed in every way imaginable.

Someone I am close to was dating CS's colleague and she was crying over him. Seeing her upset and bawled so openly made me think of CS and I; how I did the exact same thing and the trauma he put me through. 

I no longer feel the ache but it brought back some painful memories. Some say when you begin to forget it means that it doesn't mean anything anymore. I fully agree. 

"People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime"

Was CS in my life for a reason too?  But he has stayed more than one season and left me scars that would last a lifetime.. No matter, I have learnt.

Thank you all for gracing my life with your presence. For the doses of joy each of you brought into the life of an introvert.

In my opinion, introverts are the most misunderstood people on earth.  For many years, my perpetual yawning and constant 'low batt' moments makes people around me think that I am always tired.

Now I'm fully embracing the fact that I am an introvert. That it's not that I am always tired, it's just that I people out easily. Extroverts will never understand that mingling takes up loads of our energy and when I do hang out I only conserve enough energy to last one burst.

Time alone is how we recuperate. Explains why I like to spend time alone. Sacrificing our alone time for those we care means a lot to us introverts. Sigh.. Sadly, this is not something the opposites can ever understand fully. Oh well, such is life.. 

Maybe I Did Love You

Some people try hard to be who they are not while others try hard not to be who they really are. 

I am both. 

I try hard to be strong when I'm not. And I try hard not to be vulnerable by masking my deepest emotions.

I am but human. I cry, I laugh, I fear. I am capable of feeling all the emotions any human would. The worst feeling of all is to admit that I am afraid to be abandoned. 

It has been four months since we last spoke. Four months since you tried to reach out. You have long moved on from this episode. I should also be done mourning the loss by now especially if I have been insisting that what I felt for you is not love. 

Then why are my memories at a standstill? How is it that the world continues to spin while leaving me behind? Alone to confront my own weakness. 

Maybe I did love you and knew it all along. Maybe I just refuse to admit so becos I dun want people around to think lesser of me. For falling in love so easily. Maybe I don't want to face my own foolishness for opening up my heart to someone I barely knew.

Maybe I did love you. I love how you were able to make me laugh so easily. I love how you would walk with your arms around me like as if I was your prized possession. I love how you would tuck my hair away gently just to look at me. I love how you would remember everything I said even those that I mentioned casually. I love how you would tremble subtly whenever I touched you. I love how you would surprise me in so many ways with your little gestures.

Most of all, I love the connection we had. You made me comfortable in your presence. You know, I didn't even feel a tad bit of awkwardness when you tried to hug me on our 2nd date? I remember how I felt you hard on the small of my back. You smiled sheepishly. I thought your reaction was rather cute. 

Your appearance in my life is a necessity. You came into my life at the right time. To prevent me from turning into a grumpy old hag filled with hatred and spite. Your existence has made me let go of the past. Of the most painful part of my memories. 

But now you have become that painful memory. The memories you left are beautiful. It's painful only becos I can't let it go. Everything reminds me of you. The road leading to my office, I walk through it almost every morning and it reminds me of Forester driving through the same way. And how you were always so keen to steal a kiss before dropping me off. 

The coffeeshop you brought me to for breakfast | The walk we had at East Coast Park accompanied by the sighting of a toad | The random stranger who sports the same hairstyle | The restaurant where you didn't enjoy the food but agreed to go becos I wanted to | The night scene at Gardens by the Bay | The way you would pronounce 'yes' and 'of course' | The many raining days and nights | The movie you didn't like but watched becos I wanted to (again) | The many Foresters I see on the road and wonder why none of it is yours | The uncles sitting at the hawker centre enjoying their kopi like you would | The radio channel you would listen to and sing along freely in the car | The haze that is returning | The sweet delights you would buy for my tea breaks | The warmth I felt from holding someone else's body hoping he was you. 

It's time I move on from these memories. I want to forget. I need to close this chapter.

I am not sorry that we met. But I am sorry that we overstep the invisible boundary. I am sorry that maybe I did love you.

If there is another life, I'd love to meet you again. This time let's meet earlier so that I won't have to regret that I can't keep you with me. And be where I want to with you. Wherever you are, I hope you will always be happy and safe.

You Are Not Important Enough For Me To Give This Post A Title

I should be starting 2014 with a pleasant post. It should be one of those posts that reviews what have happened in 2013 and what I will work towards in 2014. I will save that for another time perhaps.

For now, let's talk about social media. The different platforms of social media that I am on.

Facebook: privacy activated.
Twitter: tweets protected.

Adding to the list very recently, Instagram: privacy activated. And you BLOCKED. Did you manage to trawl through all the pictures that I have shared? Have you found me on other platforms too? Keep trying, I have more presence than you know of.  

I know you have been checking me out on various social media platforms. And I know that you have made sure that I know of it. I also know what prompted your sudden interest to look me up again. 

You have probably read through this blog too. Do you like what you read? If you think that I will put it all out there for you to read like all those years ago, you may want to think again. Back then, I wanted you to know. To know that I have been in the game long before your existence. 

These days, I prefer subtlety. It's better this way, don't you think?