Thank you, Mr. Lee Kuan Yew

This Monday started bluer than usual when the news broke that our founding father Mr. Lee Kuan Yew has passed on. It's not unexpected given that he has been ill for a while and PMO has been sending out statements to update on his waning health. But it is still deeply saddening to hear of it. On 23 March 2015, 3.18 am, Mr. Lee Kuan Yew left us and the entire Singapore is now grieving together.

I don't remember the last time I feel so sad about someone's demise other than the grandparents and nanny's. But the late Mr. Lee is not just someone. He's the man behind the success of Singapore; the instrumental figure in transforming Singapore from a 3rd world country to a 1st world nation. A nation envied by many, a nation we are all proud to call home. 

So yes, that explains the endless streams of tears that flowed for someone I never had the honour to even meet. The heartache is earnest and real; the pain is akin to losing someone dear. It is extremely saddening to know that he won't be around to celebrate the nation's jubilee; a nation that may not have the chance to celebrate what we have achieved so far if not for him.

My greatest impression of the late Mr. Lee was when I saw him cried on national TV when he stepped down as the Prime Minister. The eight-year-old me couldn't comprehend but I understood then that he must have been very sad for him to cry in public. I remember asking the grandpop why did he cry to which grandpop said, "because he is stepping down as the Prime Minister. This is the man who built Singapore don't you think he'd be sad to step down?" Why then did he step down if he doesn't want to? The curious child with her incessant questions asked on. "So that he can nurture the next generation of leader my dear child." That was the first time I learnt of 'the man who built Singapore'. 

Many of us would have witnessed the passing of some honourable leaders including the late presidents Mr. Wee Kim Wee and Mr. Ong Teng Cheong. And many including myself have wondered then what would it be like if LKY passes on, would the government declare the day a public holiday to commemorate him? It's not about gaining an additional public holiday from his demise but that we are all plainly aware of his stature and prominence to us and to Singapore. When the thought became a reality, all of us are left mourning the loss.

A simple thank you is never enough for the hard work you put in to bring us to where we are today. I am honoured to know of such a gallant and fearless leader in my lifetime. A leader that the future generations will only learn about through history books. 

Rest in peace, Mr. Lee Kuan Yew. You have worked hard enough for us all, it's time to continue the journey with the love of your life.  The legacy you left behind will be one that will be remembered by all Singaporeans for many generations to come.

I salute you, Sir. Singapore salutes you.

Conflicted Emotions

So much of wanting to blog regularly; the last post was more than six months ago.

First quarter of 2015 is almost coming to an end but there is nothing much to update for 2014. Things have been quite mundane, it'd be good if there was more excitement. Even the trip to Taiwan is not worth mentioning but the weather was really good though. All I can say is Taiwan and I are probably not fated.  Everyone else I know had so much fun but both trips were below par for me. 

Emotions. Most of my posts are emotionally-charged; someone would trigger the emotions. This post is no different. 

Tonight I am going to blog about you. You who have hanged around for more than a decade. You who brought me the greatest joy and left me with the deepest hurt. 

You who make me feel conflicted every time we meet. Really conflicted. Someone has done the favour of helping me get over our past which led me to finally be able to forgive you. Then I allowed you to come back into my life and I allowed us to go back into a all-too-familiar routine. The routine we both can't stop hanging on to.

But each time we meet only opens up a little more of the past I thought I have forgotten. It made me realise that forgiving does not equate to forgetting; our past is still haunting me. I am still sore about the choice you made and your explanation doesn't make me feel any better. In fact, it only makes me feel worse. I can't help but think that I should have fought harder for you and for us. Things could have been different. Today's outcome is the repercussion of allowing you to have things your way in yesteryears. 

You could never fully explain why you deprave me of the chance. And I will never be able to truly rest in peace because of that.

Being with you makes me upset because I carry the burden of our past yet at the same time the comfort I always feel with you is irreplaceable . You know I meant it when I said I would never be able to do the nonsense I did in anyone else's presence. You make me so damn C.O.N.F.L.I.C.T.E.D.

When I told you that I would stop seeing you if I start a serious relationship with someone else, you were confident enough to say that you and I would never stop because it's you. Such brass confidence but it only shows you know how much you meant to me and how selfish you truly are.

I am not going to let you ruin the future when another person comes in my life. No, I won't. You have broke me more than enough. And you know that.

What I really wanted to tell you the other night is that I don't know if I'd be able to love anyone else because I no longer love you. I am in doubt of whether I'd be able to love again because I don't love the man I loved most anymore.

Unless you can change our future (which we both know can never change), if not, please let our past die. . .