Having A Baby. Ready Or Not?

I was thinking about Lunar New Year. Thought about how I'd always felt a tinge of envy whenever my peers compared the amount (in terms of dollars and cents) they got.

Me (and my poor sissy) always have awfully low collection every Lunar New Year because 1) our relatives are real misers (who gives $2 angbao these days?!) and 2) we have only been taking from one side (either parent) for as long as I can remember. 

This led me to think about what I have been considering for a while now (maybe the last year or so). In the event that I don't get married by 35 (which definitely looks likely so) I'd like to have a baby. Yea, a baby. Not keeping a dog or a cat. Have a baby. My own kid, a mini me. 

My own fertility aside (yea, the eggs are diminishing drastically year to year), I'm not worried about the sperm donor. I'm pretty set on whose good genes I want my kid to take after and I'm sure he won't say no to (the act of) procreation. 

But there are a number of nagging questions. They are real and beg careful consideration: 

1. Am I able to go through the pregnancy on my own? 

2. Can I afford to bring up the baby on my own? 

3. Will I be a good mother? Do I know how to be one? 

4. Will I be able to handle the different phases of my kid's life? 

5. There's no quitting to being a mom. Can I take on this lifetime job? 

6. Will I be able to handle the gossipy relatives and proudly confront this judgmental society as a single mom? 

More importantly, as I think about all the if's and how the changes will affect me, I really need to think for this innocent life. Do I want to subject him/her to what I have been through? It's not easy growing up in a single parent family and I know it all too well. Why then should I put another human being through the same just to satisfy my own selfish impulse of wanting to be a mom? 

Maybe the fact that being in a single parent family makes me fight harder than most for what I want and need and at the end of the day I never really feel belong or that I own anything. Hence I want to have something I can truly call my own. But this would mean that yet another human being will eventually feel the same way I felt. I would be starting a vicious cycle, is it worth it?

Oh by the way, happie birthday to the human being made on this day 39 years ago. . .

23 Women On The One Thing Men Can Do In Bed To Make Them Feel Like A Goddess | Thought Catalog

23 Women On The One Thing Men Can Do In Bed To Make Them Feel Like A Goddess | Thought Catalog

Thank you for making me feel like a Goddess in more ways than one.

Now I miss you for more reasons than one. Mostly, I miss how you can make me laugh heartily.

Who would have thought that you would leave such deep impression in such a short span of time? It wasn't love, I know it wasn't. But I can't explain why am I feeling the way I am feeling now.

I'd probably miss you for a while more. I'd probably long for you a while more. Just a little while more.

The 5 Relationships I Had And What I Have Learnt From Them

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10 Rules For Friends With Benefits | Thought Catalog

10 Rules For Friends With Benefits | Thought Catalog

I'd remember not to do #6 the next time, if there's a next time.

Update On My Lululicious Life

It's been almost 2 years since my last blog post. But no, I have no update for 2012. The year was filled with lots of negative feelings and thoughts. I spent most part of 2012 feeling stretched, stressed, belittled, worn out and whatever word you can use to describe a negative state of mind I probably felt it all.  The only good thing I can think of is that I didn't have to face most of the adversities alone.

2013 is significantly different.  I quitted, rested, travelled, started all over again and feeling good about it.  My new role is exciting and challenging. It feels good to be able to present my own ideas and get the acknowledgement/validation. It feels good to know that I am doing something right.

..Something right in the midst of the many wrongs. This year has interestingly been (thus far) one which I am intrinsically tied to the number 3.  Three times three.

This has also been a year of surprises. Surprised at myself that is. Surprised at my uncanny and oh-so-accurate instinct (re CC telling me of the 2nd arrival; I already knew).  Surprised at my ability to completely let go of the past and forgive the man who has caused the deepest heartache. I have spent so much of the last four years hating him and wondering why he would bestowed the life I wanted so much to someone else. I finally heard the answer (although not much of an answer) and saw his reaction but sorry came four years too late.

I used to lurve everything about him and I thought that he was the best I ever had and will ever have.  But when I realised it didn't feel the same anymore it dawned on me that I only felt that way because of the lurve I had for him. He was once all I lived for. He was once the only reason for the smile on my face. I wanted nothing more than growing old with him. I have recently realised that I am ready to forgive and have forgiven. Forgiveness comes easier when lurve is gone and hatred has subsided. I no longer hold my tongue to avoid incurring his wrath; I spout whatever comes to mind.

D, I forgive you

All thanks to Forester. First time in the last four years I dived head first into something knowing fully well that it's a mistake right from the start. Comfort is my achilles' heel. Comfort was what I felt the first time we met. He's charismatic, humble, dorky with a great sense of humour and most of all he makes me feel comfortable in my own skin. Coupled with all the attention he gave, things between us naturally happened at a lightning fast speed.  I knew the relationship was doomed and I was preparing myself for the end right when we began. But I wanted to indulge for as long as I could. There's so much to smile about in the short span of time that we spent together.

A failed relationship plus my own auto defence mechanism made it difficult for me to open up to anyone much less a person I barely knew. But I did anyway and I have no regrets.  He has been an awesome companion. If only I could handle the benefits with no emotional attachment. But how can that even be remotely possible? It may never be (at least not for me) but getting to know him is one of the events that makes 2013 a great year. Thank you lao uncle. . .

Riding Tat Wave

Aaaaaahhhhhh..... Today is one of those days I managed to finish most of my work and come home fairly early with of course a decent amount of brain cells left so I decided to spend a lil time blogging. For the first time on my pad pad. :) And not forgetting to ride on the last wave of 'post' emotions to do so.

Have just been reminded today of how fragile life is and how we should treasure people around us before it's too late. I had a relationship with someone who would often tell me how much I meant to him becos "he didn't want to regret not saying when it's all too late" but I gave up that relationship for someone who didn't give two hoots about my feelings or even my existence. And the greatest irony is I gave my all to him and became the one who constantly proclaimed my lurve becos I too didn't want to regret.

Have been told that this blog is filled with posts of my past when I have ironically stated that I'd leave the soil unturned. It probably gave the impression that I have never truly gotten over. But honestly, do I have to completely stop talking about the past before people will finally acknowledge that hmmmmmm.....perhaps MAT is absolutely over it. Well, I have not come across anyone who has not mentioned anything of their past thus far. Yes, I get it that people speak of their past in general while I seem to be overly focused on one aspect.

I believe there's a difference between getting over and forgetting. I have definitely gotten over. I am fortunate that my prayer was answered and getting over was an almost painless affair. But forgotten? I dun think it would even be remotely possible to totally forget something that once formed the greatest part of my life. How can anyone completely swear off the very thing that used to make their life whole?

It is regretful that I have to waste seven years to learn the lesson but I have learnt nonetheless. I dunno wot the future holds in terms of my lurve life (or lack thereof) but I know that the mistakes will never be repeated for anyone else. If karma is real, then he must be my karma for the avalanche of hurt that I have caused others. It is really infuriating to see him live in bliss and I hope karma too will befall unto him in hundred thousands folds! Stoopid ole fooker...

Surviving First Month & Expecting The Unexpected

Have been wanting to blog about my new job since the first week but work has been rather hectic and that leaves me pretty drained on other times when I am not working.  And I didn't want to wrongly jump to any conclusion.

And so, first month has been.. yes, hectic.  If someone were to ask me now if I think PR is for me, I wouldn't be able to truthfully answer that just yet as there are many other aspects that make up PR that I have yet learn.  But I like what I have been doing thus far and I would lurve to learn about everything else soon.  However, what I can say for now is that this new job has taught me 2 things that I have been meaning to do - being punctual and poker face.

Ha! I have been punctual alright!  But I am still learning and trying hard to keep my emotions masked.  I should have learnt this long ago but have not been getting down to it and then comes the job that gives me the perfect reason to do so.  I am hoping to emerge a poker face practitioner soon!  :))

Then there is the unexpected.  So much so that it unexpectedly broke me.  Yes it did, you win again ole fooker.  All these while when people posed the hypothetical question of what would I do if he initiate contact again, I would confidently reply that that day would not come, he would not do so becos I have clearly told him to leave me alone and given his character I knew I won't hear from him again.  And so becos I treated the question as hypothetical, I never had an answer to it becos I didn't think there would ever be a need.  I was that confident.

Receiving his text totally stunned me.  I didn't recognise the number at first but it looked awfully familiar and it took me less than 2 mins to realise who it was.  I was not prepared to ever receive a text from him again especially not when a thot of him just flashed by seconds before that (eerie..).  I mean it has been almost 3 years and he is a father now, why the hell does he still need to know how am I doing now???????  What is it to you whether I have moved on well or not??????? 

I thot I have clearly conveyed to his bestest fren how impossible it is for me to ever forgive him.  And I don't believe he didn't tell him that at all??  Well, forgiving him is not in my agenda; not then, not now and not ever.  In actuality, all it takes is that one word to lessen the hatred and I could have been appeased but it's too late now.  That's him; forever callous towards how I feel.  This time I am very sure he won't ever try to initiate contact again.

So many years later and you are still so selfish.  You broke me and I won't let you do it again.  You read it right.  I will bring this hatred for you to my grave.