I was thinking about Lunar New Year. Thought about how I'd always felt a tinge of envy whenever my peers compared the amount (in terms of dollars and cents) they got.
Me (and my poor sissy) always have awfully low collection every Lunar New Year because 1) our relatives are real misers (who gives $2 angbao these days?!) and 2) we have only been taking from one side (either parent) for as long as I can remember.
This led me to think about what I have been considering for a while now (maybe the last year or so). In the event that I don't get married by 35 (which definitely looks likely so) I'd like to have a baby. Yea, a baby. Not keeping a dog or a cat. Have a baby. My own kid, a mini me.
My own fertility aside (yea, the eggs are diminishing drastically year to year), I'm not worried about the sperm donor. I'm pretty set on whose good genes I want my kid to take after and I'm sure he won't say no to (the act of) procreation.
But there are a number of nagging questions. They are real and beg careful consideration:
1. Am I able to go through the pregnancy on my own?
2. Can I afford to bring up the baby on my own?
3. Will I be a good mother? Do I know how to be one?
4. Will I be able to handle the different phases of my kid's life?
5. There's no quitting to being a mom. Can I take on this lifetime job?
6. Will I be able to handle the gossipy relatives and proudly confront this judgmental society as a single mom?
More importantly, as I think about all the if's and how the changes will affect me, I really need to think for this innocent life. Do I want to subject him/her to what I have been through? It's not easy growing up in a single parent family and I know it all too well. Why then should I put another human being through the same just to satisfy my own selfish impulse of wanting to be a mom?
Maybe the fact that being in a single parent family makes me fight harder than most for what I want and need and at the end of the day I never really feel belong or that I own anything. Hence I want to have something I can truly call my own. But this would mean that yet another human being will eventually feel the same way I felt. I would be starting a vicious cycle, is it worth it?
Oh by the way, happie birthday to the human being made on this day 39 years ago. . .
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