Confession Of The Other Woman

Wrecking ball is really quite a nice song if you can look past the MV or not watch it at all. Miley Cyrus sang with a lot of emotions and I feel the lyrics. Ha well, just a little digression from what I really want to blog about tonight. 

I have been thinking for a while now. Should I even post about this topic at all? Not that my blog generates a lot of traffic but well I guess there are people reading or at least trawled by. Well, since I'd want to write about this eventually so why not now when the memories are still vivid and the wound is still raw? With this post, I am drawing a closure and moving on from this bittersweet part of 2013.

So yea, go on and judge me. The title has instantly put a target on my back. I am prepared to subject myself to the judgment of others especially friends who may read my blog. Then again, who has the right to judge other than The Almighty? But even by His Grace I know I have sinned.

Yes, I was the other woman. I wasn't happy being the other woman (no, I had no intention of ruining his marriage) but I was happy with him. We have spent all of a quarter of this year together but like I have mentioned previously there was a lot to smile about in this short span of time. 

Less than a handful of close friends knew about this illicit affair that I had (from the time it started) because I was afraid of being judged. But it was almost impossible to hide with all the obvious giveaways from the post-sex glow to the constant blushes and the silly grins that were all too difficult to wipe from my face. And of course the numerous tweets and posts on Instagram that were clearly the by-products of someone who is caught in the web of an oxytocin-induced infatuation. I tried to avoid meeting my friends as much as possible so that I didn't have to explain or talk about this new someone in my life.

The last relationship I had before him was four years ago and I had my fair share of heartaches, betrayal and infidelities all from one same man. I have almost forgotten what it feels like to be with someone. Over the years, I have gotten used to being alone until he came into my life and changed everything. Let's call him 'S'. 

S and I met through the most dubious (at least to me) platform - an online application under the bff's recommendation (which I eventually tried out of curiosity). While he chatted me up, he made no excuse that he's taken. In fact, I carried on chatting with him only because I thought we were getting along pretty well. We were fast becoming virtual friends and he made it a point to text me everyday whether or not I replied. Perhaps it was because we were shielded by our keyboards (smartphones in this case), we were comfortable enough to delve into different topics. The fact that S had never once tried to touch on anything lewd (coupled with his occupation) made me lose my defence. I felt safe. 

A couple months of to-and-fro texting later finally led to our first meet up. It was impromptu. First time I laid eyes on S (in person) I kinda knew that we would carry on beyond that first meet up. There was no awkward silence only lots of laughter. Maybe because I had no intention of being with him or sleep with him for the matter I was at ease and able to be myself. I could literally LOL to all the jokes and he laughed along with me. 

S was quick to arrange for a 2nd date. He gave me a choice to choose the dinner venue and I chose a place where loads of hanky-panky could happen. I knew my choice opened up the possibility for something to happen but I wanted to think that we were not attracted to each other in that manner and even if we were I wanted to think that we both could resist the temptation. And that S didn't chat me up just to get into my pants. The moment I agreed to go up that tower I knew he wanted more than just to hug me. And I was willing to give more than just a hug. Our lips were locked in a long passionate kiss like two hormone-raging teens.

It was like setting off a firework; fast, short-lived but beautiful while it lasted. For the next couple of months to come, S gave me so much attention and yet instead of feeling overwhelmed by it I was actually indulging in it. He conditioned me to crave for more. He made me feel wanted, desired. I actually liked how he would tell me every single day that he misses me even right after he just dropped me off. First time hooking up with someone new can be scary, it can make you feel like a total noobcake but our first time together was nothing like that. It didn't even feel like it was our first time together, he knew all the right buttons to press. And he seems to know me much more in these few months than some of my friends would in many years. He could actually finished off my sentences and read my thoughts. This kind of comfort only made me feel more attached to him.

But this affair wasn't built to last. S withdrew when he felt that the attachment was too much. I guess he was right to do so. Even though I wanted to be with him, I always felt bad to carry on. I ended it thinking that life would just go back to how it was before I met him.  Boy, was I wrong. How could things be normal again after a typhoon swept past? I wanted to keep him as a friend but this is obviously not what he wants. As I am writing this, he has already walked away without a word. I never thought that he would do this, he has always been quite honest with his thoughts. But I know this is for the best. I wish him the best.

This long post is dedicated to the man who gave me the happiness I have not felt in a long time.  He entered my life at the right moment and being with him made me let go of what I should have years ago. Thank you S. Wherever you are, I hope that you are happy and safe. 

Having A Baby. Ready Or Not?

I was thinking about Lunar New Year. Thought about how I'd always felt a tinge of envy whenever my peers compared the amount (in terms of dollars and cents) they got.

Me (and my poor sissy) always have awfully low collection every Lunar New Year because 1) our relatives are real misers (who gives $2 angbao these days?!) and 2) we have only been taking from one side (either parent) for as long as I can remember. 

This led me to think about what I have been considering for a while now (maybe the last year or so). In the event that I don't get married by 35 (which definitely looks likely so) I'd like to have a baby. Yea, a baby. Not keeping a dog or a cat. Have a baby. My own kid, a mini me. 

My own fertility aside (yea, the eggs are diminishing drastically year to year), I'm not worried about the sperm donor. I'm pretty set on whose good genes I want my kid to take after and I'm sure he won't say no to (the act of) procreation. 

But there are a number of nagging questions. They are real and beg careful consideration: 

1. Am I able to go through the pregnancy on my own? 

2. Can I afford to bring up the baby on my own? 

3. Will I be a good mother? Do I know how to be one? 

4. Will I be able to handle the different phases of my kid's life? 

5. There's no quitting to being a mom. Can I take on this lifetime job? 

6. Will I be able to handle the gossipy relatives and proudly confront this judgmental society as a single mom? 

More importantly, as I think about all the if's and how the changes will affect me, I really need to think for this innocent life. Do I want to subject him/her to what I have been through? It's not easy growing up in a single parent family and I know it all too well. Why then should I put another human being through the same just to satisfy my own selfish impulse of wanting to be a mom? 

Maybe the fact that being in a single parent family makes me fight harder than most for what I want and need and at the end of the day I never really feel belong or that I own anything. Hence I want to have something I can truly call my own. But this would mean that yet another human being will eventually feel the same way I felt. I would be starting a vicious cycle, is it worth it?

Oh by the way, happie birthday to the human being made on this day 39 years ago. . .

23 Women On The One Thing Men Can Do In Bed To Make Them Feel Like A Goddess | Thought Catalog

23 Women On The One Thing Men Can Do In Bed To Make Them Feel Like A Goddess | Thought Catalog

Thank you for making me feel like a Goddess in more ways than one.

Now I miss you for more reasons than one. Mostly, I miss how you can make me laugh heartily.

Who would have thought that you would leave such deep impression in such a short span of time? It wasn't love, I know it wasn't. But I can't explain why am I feeling the way I am feeling now.

I'd probably miss you for a while more. I'd probably long for you a while more. Just a little while more.

The 5 Relationships I Had And What I Have Learnt From Them

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10 Rules For Friends With Benefits | Thought Catalog

10 Rules For Friends With Benefits | Thought Catalog

I'd remember not to do #6 the next time, if there's a next time.

Update On My Lululicious Life

It's been almost 2 years since my last blog post. But no, I have no update for 2012. The year was filled with lots of negative feelings and thoughts. I spent most part of 2012 feeling stretched, stressed, belittled, worn out and whatever word you can use to describe a negative state of mind I probably felt it all.  The only good thing I can think of is that I didn't have to face most of the adversities alone.

2013 is significantly different.  I quitted, rested, travelled, started all over again and feeling good about it.  My new role is exciting and challenging. It feels good to be able to present my own ideas and get the acknowledgement/validation. It feels good to know that I am doing something right.

..Something right in the midst of the many wrongs. This year has interestingly been (thus far) one which I am intrinsically tied to the number 3.  Three times three.

This has also been a year of surprises. Surprised at myself that is. Surprised at my uncanny and oh-so-accurate instinct (re CC telling me of the 2nd arrival; I already knew).  Surprised at my ability to completely let go of the past and forgive the man who has caused the deepest heartache. I have spent so much of the last four years hating him and wondering why he would bestowed the life I wanted so much to someone else. I finally heard the answer (although not much of an answer) and saw his reaction but sorry came four years too late.

I used to lurve everything about him and I thought that he was the best I ever had and will ever have.  But when I realised it didn't feel the same anymore it dawned on me that I only felt that way because of the lurve I had for him. He was once all I lived for. He was once the only reason for the smile on my face. I wanted nothing more than growing old with him. I have recently realised that I am ready to forgive and have forgiven. Forgiveness comes easier when lurve is gone and hatred has subsided. I no longer hold my tongue to avoid incurring his wrath; I spout whatever comes to mind.

D, I forgive you

All thanks to Forester. First time in the last four years I dived head first into something knowing fully well that it's a mistake right from the start. Comfort is my achilles' heel. Comfort was what I felt the first time we met. He's charismatic, humble, dorky with a great sense of humour and most of all he makes me feel comfortable in my own skin. Coupled with all the attention he gave, things between us naturally happened at a lightning fast speed.  I knew the relationship was doomed and I was preparing myself for the end right when we began. But I wanted to indulge for as long as I could. There's so much to smile about in the short span of time that we spent together.

A failed relationship plus my own auto defence mechanism made it difficult for me to open up to anyone much less a person I barely knew. But I did anyway and I have no regrets.  He has been an awesome companion. If only I could handle the benefits with no emotional attachment. But how can that even be remotely possible? It may never be (at least not for me) but getting to know him is one of the events that makes 2013 a great year. Thank you lao uncle. . .

Riding Tat Wave

Aaaaaahhhhhh..... Today is one of those days I managed to finish most of my work and come home fairly early with of course a decent amount of brain cells left so I decided to spend a lil time blogging. For the first time on my pad pad. :) And not forgetting to ride on the last wave of 'post' emotions to do so.

Have just been reminded today of how fragile life is and how we should treasure people around us before it's too late. I had a relationship with someone who would often tell me how much I meant to him becos "he didn't want to regret not saying when it's all too late" but I gave up that relationship for someone who didn't give two hoots about my feelings or even my existence. And the greatest irony is I gave my all to him and became the one who constantly proclaimed my lurve becos I too didn't want to regret.

Have been told that this blog is filled with posts of my past when I have ironically stated that I'd leave the soil unturned. It probably gave the impression that I have never truly gotten over. But honestly, do I have to completely stop talking about the past before people will finally acknowledge that hmmmmmm.....perhaps MAT is absolutely over it. Well, I have not come across anyone who has not mentioned anything of their past thus far. Yes, I get it that people speak of their past in general while I seem to be overly focused on one aspect.

I believe there's a difference between getting over and forgetting. I have definitely gotten over. I am fortunate that my prayer was answered and getting over was an almost painless affair. But forgotten? I dun think it would even be remotely possible to totally forget something that once formed the greatest part of my life. How can anyone completely swear off the very thing that used to make their life whole?

It is regretful that I have to waste seven years to learn the lesson but I have learnt nonetheless. I dunno wot the future holds in terms of my lurve life (or lack thereof) but I know that the mistakes will never be repeated for anyone else. If karma is real, then he must be my karma for the avalanche of hurt that I have caused others. It is really infuriating to see him live in bliss and I hope karma too will befall unto him in hundred thousands folds! Stoopid ole fooker...