All In One

Almost three months since I last blogged. My last post was of course on the topic/person that occupied my mind at that time. 

I have so many things to say. So I'm going to do a word vomit for this post and throw everything up in one. 

I can't do this chronologically else it'd all not make any sense (as if I make a lot of sense). 

Gonna start with my first solo trip to Hong Kong and Shenzhen. It was a superb experience! The weather was great, food was wonderful but shopping a lil meh though. Still awesome in every way! 

The experience of being in a (not so) foreign land on my own is so fun. It's okay to get lost along the way and be aimless without feeling guilty or obligated towards anyone. I'd definitely do another solo trip again.

And Shenzhen. OMG Shenzhen! This land of the PRCs was beyond my imagination! The place is developing so well it's no wonder why JY doesn't want to come back. Gone were the days where it carried the notorious reputation of having more criminals than workers and THE place for the rich and famous to keep their mistresses.

The city is so clean and it feels so safe (no motorcycles on the road can you imagine?!). Greenery's really green, no kidding! But what mattered most is that JY has planned the itinerary so well that I can only say I'm in awe of Shenzhen in so many ways. OCT Bay took my breathe away, so beautiful!

To be honest, half of this trip was for JY and I totally enjoyed his company (and his remarkable singing) except that he could like make me feel more wanted.. especially after I have been with someone who wanted me so much, the contrast is so stark. :/

SS said I need to get away to get over. Well yes it did help. Although it wasn't a life-changing trip but it has injected enough memories for me to acknowledge that BS is a matter of the past. And I am no longer hung up over him.

Him.. I finally managed to take a peek at his FB and put a face and a name to the term. HT happens to know her and I was told that she is a very nice and soft spoken person. They are so compatible and look so loving together.

I was reminded of the many occasions when he spoke softly and I could never hear him. 

She and I are so different. I am no doubt the change that he needed from what he has taken for granted. And it has perhaps made him treasure her more. I could finally understand why he would feel so guilty towards the both of us. 

Knowing what she's like made me feel guilty too. She did no wrong to deserve such betrayal. I thought of those times he incessantly text me when she was around. How did he manage to split himself between us? 

What we did was wrong. We should never have overstepped the boundary. But I don't regret meeting him; he was in my life for a reason.

Now I can only hope that he doesn't repeat the mistake again and that I'm his last. And Mrs. K, I owe you this - I'm sorry. For your sake, I hope you'd never find out.

I knew all too well what it was like when the one you love betrayed in every way imaginable.

Someone I am close to was dating CS's colleague and she was crying over him. Seeing her upset and bawled so openly made me think of CS and I; how I did the exact same thing and the trauma he put me through. 

I no longer feel the ache but it brought back some painful memories. Some say when you begin to forget it means that it doesn't mean anything anymore. I fully agree. 

"People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime"

Was CS in my life for a reason too?  But he has stayed more than one season and left me scars that would last a lifetime.. No matter, I have learnt.

Thank you all for gracing my life with your presence. For the doses of joy each of you brought into the life of an introvert.

In my opinion, introverts are the most misunderstood people on earth.  For many years, my perpetual yawning and constant 'low batt' moments makes people around me think that I am always tired.

Now I'm fully embracing the fact that I am an introvert. That it's not that I am always tired, it's just that I people out easily. Extroverts will never understand that mingling takes up loads of our energy and when I do hang out I only conserve enough energy to last one burst.

Time alone is how we recuperate. Explains why I like to spend time alone. Sacrificing our alone time for those we care means a lot to us introverts. Sigh.. Sadly, this is not something the opposites can ever understand fully. Oh well, such is life.. 

Maybe I Did Love You

Some people try hard to be who they are not while others try hard not to be who they really are. 

I am both. 

I try hard to be strong when I'm not. And I try hard not to be vulnerable by masking my deepest emotions.

I am but human. I cry, I laugh, I fear. I am capable of feeling all the emotions any human would. The worst feeling of all is to admit that I am afraid to be abandoned. 

It has been four months since we last spoke. Four months since you tried to reach out. You have long moved on from this episode. I should also be done mourning the loss by now especially if I have been insisting that what I felt for you is not love. 

Then why are my memories at a standstill? How is it that the world continues to spin while leaving me behind? Alone to confront my own weakness. 

Maybe I did love you and knew it all along. Maybe I just refuse to admit so becos I dun want people around to think lesser of me. For falling in love so easily. Maybe I don't want to face my own foolishness for opening up my heart to someone I barely knew.

Maybe I did love you. I love how you were able to make me laugh so easily. I love how you would walk with your arms around me like as if I was your prized possession. I love how you would tuck my hair away gently just to look at me. I love how you would remember everything I said even those that I mentioned casually. I love how you would tremble subtly whenever I touched you. I love how you would surprise me in so many ways with your little gestures.

Most of all, I love the connection we had. You made me comfortable in your presence. You know, I didn't even feel a tad bit of awkwardness when you tried to hug me on our 2nd date? I remember how I felt you hard on the small of my back. You smiled sheepishly. I thought your reaction was rather cute. 

Your appearance in my life is a necessity. You came into my life at the right time. To prevent me from turning into a grumpy old hag filled with hatred and spite. Your existence has made me let go of the past. Of the most painful part of my memories. 

But now you have become that painful memory. The memories you left are beautiful. It's painful only becos I can't let it go. Everything reminds me of you. The road leading to my office, I walk through it almost every morning and it reminds me of Forester driving through the same way. And how you were always so keen to steal a kiss before dropping me off. 

The coffeeshop you brought me to for breakfast | The walk we had at East Coast Park accompanied by the sighting of a toad | The random stranger who sports the same hairstyle | The restaurant where you didn't enjoy the food but agreed to go becos I wanted to | The night scene at Gardens by the Bay | The way you would pronounce 'yes' and 'of course' | The many raining days and nights | The movie you didn't like but watched becos I wanted to (again) | The many Foresters I see on the road and wonder why none of it is yours | The uncles sitting at the hawker centre enjoying their kopi like you would | The radio channel you would listen to and sing along freely in the car | The haze that is returning | The sweet delights you would buy for my tea breaks | The warmth I felt from holding someone else's body hoping he was you. 

It's time I move on from these memories. I want to forget. I need to close this chapter.

I am not sorry that we met. But I am sorry that we overstep the invisible boundary. I am sorry that maybe I did love you.

If there is another life, I'd love to meet you again. This time let's meet earlier so that I won't have to regret that I can't keep you with me. And be where I want to with you. Wherever you are, I hope you will always be happy and safe.

You Are Not Important Enough For Me To Give This Post A Title

I should be starting 2014 with a pleasant post. It should be one of those posts that reviews what have happened in 2013 and what I will work towards in 2014. I will save that for another time perhaps.

For now, let's talk about social media. The different platforms of social media that I am on.

Facebook: privacy activated.
Twitter: tweets protected.

Adding to the list very recently, Instagram: privacy activated. And you BLOCKED. Did you manage to trawl through all the pictures that I have shared? Have you found me on other platforms too? Keep trying, I have more presence than you know of.  

I know you have been checking me out on various social media platforms. And I know that you have made sure that I know of it. I also know what prompted your sudden interest to look me up again. 

You have probably read through this blog too. Do you like what you read? If you think that I will put it all out there for you to read like all those years ago, you may want to think again. Back then, I wanted you to know. To know that I have been in the game long before your existence. 

These days, I prefer subtlety. It's better this way, don't you think?

7 Liabilities Of Having A Relationship

I'm gonna sound like a real sour puss writing what I am about to. Because I haven't been in a relationship for a few years now apart from a few casual affairs which are more than enough to make me keep my heart under lock and keys again. 

But let's be real. Being in a relationship DOES come with a whole string of liabilities; they are just not obvious to those who spend most of their time in one (or more). Having been out of the game for a while now, I am able to see clearer that relationships do come with (a number of) liabilities.

1. Bed 

That's my most treasured piece of furniture. Yes, I love my bed and I love making out on the bed and how hot things can get. But no I'm not keen on having someone taking up half of the bed and force me to keep to my side of it like that's all I'm entitled to. And come on, how fun is it to play tug-o-war in a half conscious state of mind? Damn it, give it back will ya? 

2. Space

I loved being around my man but I also treasure alone time with myself. Being in a relationship means having lesser down time with myself. It is especially important to have some down time for an introvert like me to recuperate from the energy consumed. Simply put, alone time is like recharging batteries. 

3. Sleep 

You enjoy each other's company and time flies by before you realise it's way past bedtime. It's okay you would think. To sacrifice sleep just so that you can have more time with each other. The same cycle repeats itself at least a few days on a weekly basis. Lack of sleep has more negative effects than you can fully comprehend - outbreaks, dark circles under your eyes, bad temperaments, mood swing, inability to focus at work/in school. For me, deprave from sleep means my battery was never fully charged. 

4. Tears

Lots of it. Arguments are inevitable in any relationship. And the end result - someone is bound to get hurt. I have hyper active tear ducts and with so much water in my anatomy, I lost buckets of it. 

5. Time

Time is invested to get to know the other half. To learn about his quirks, habits, his likes and dislikes. It doesn't matter if the relationship last all of one week or over a decade, time has been invested and in some cases - wasted. I never truly figure till this day if I have just invested (a lot) or wasted my youth and time on one individual. 

6. Rationality 

Everything is beautiful when you're in love. Your judgment is clouded and you lose the ability to make rational decisions on your own without thinking for the other person. You forget about what you want or need, your mind is filled with how and what is the best for both parties even if it means someone has to give up what he/she really wants. It's called compromise when you're in love but if you would just peel back this layer you would realised that it's just the selfish attempt of one party to mould the other into someone else be it consciously or otherwise. 

7. Emotions/feelings/love

Like time, you invest emotions, you give. And many a time you give more than you think you are capable of giving. You overstretch yourself and when the game ends you'd realise you feel spent and drained. Because you have given way more than you can afford to. 

No, I can't say that I didn't enjoy my relationship(s). I did and I was definitely a willing party. I am just saying looking at it from a different point made me realise that it's not that bad to be alone. At least I have spared myself from all these liabilities. I am able to pamper myself without the burden of guilt. Of course sometimes I do long to be in a relationship again but there's no driving factor that makes me want to jump right back into the game. Maybe it's because I haven't met the one who makes me want to overlook all these liabilities all over again. Or perhaps that someone never really existed at all. But, whatever.

Let It Pour

The lightnings' beautiful but the thunder sounds kinda fearful. It's going to rain tonight. No, it's going to pour. Has it started raining on your side yet? 

Rain. It always reminds me of you. 

It was raining the first time we met. I remembered how I brushed you off when you told me to wait in the car while you fetched the brolly. Told you I was strong and that tad bit of rain wasn't going to make me melt. We walked in the rain together. 

It was raining just before we went out on our first date. We were texting each other endlessly. Told you I love the rain and you said you do too and that you'd love to snuggle with me in bed. It made me smile to myself. 

It was raining heavily the night Forester shook. We sat in the car and watched people walk by after. I enjoyed the moments of silence between us. Even that was comfortable. 

It was raining one morning when I was on my way to work and you happened to be up early. You asked if I needed a ride. I was only steps away from work but I wished I was at home at that moment waiting for you instead. 

'Tis the season where rain will come visiting every (other) day. And it would mean that I would be thinking of you as much. Will you think of me too? I know you won't. You are probably pre-occupied by everything else. 

I know I could probably get used to the status had you not withdrew. But you chose to back out. I should blame you for being so weak. But I don't. I should be angry with you for making me feel this way. But I don't. What you gave was beautiful. 

I should just tell you to walk away once and for all. But I can't. I dunno if you'd call again but I know the next time if you ever do I will jump at the chance to meet you. 

I said I want to leave behind memories of you. One day I will. Just not today. Not on this raining night.

5 Things You Learn When A Relationship Ends Before It Really Starts | Thought Catalog

5 Things You Learn When A Relationship Ends Before It Really Starts | Thought Catalog

This is like the most brilliant article on Thought Catalog thus far that simply and clearly explains how and why I am feeling the way I do even though the relationship is so short-lived. It also explains what I have been trying to put across to those who care that even though it's not love it still hurts.

Yes, no matter how short or brief the relationship was, it hurts. Hurts to know that there could be more (not really in my case). It hurts to walk away from the simple and plain happiness brought out by this brief relationship. It hurts to know that the heart just died once more the minute it got revived and was finally beating again.

Looking @ Your Back View One Last Time

I saw the combed back ponytail that I have noticed on a number of people since you first introduced it to me. What are the odds I thought. That it would really be you. But how could the back view be so familiar too? Looking down to those slippers I knew it was you. 

The part of me that reacted instantly to the familiar view was my heart - it skipped a beat. And all I wanted to do next was to catch your attention subtly while keeping my emotions masked so that no one around me would know. I succeeded. 

I even managed to steal a few glances of your back view and thought about the tattoo on your back. On how I hate tattoo and yet I find it sexy on you. How I loved to look down at you and at your tattoo dreamily while you sent me on cloud nine.

But I'm not happy. When did we stop talking? When did it become okay to stop texting me? 

You used to text me whenever you were near me, no matter the time and no matter what you were engaged in - you would think of me. When did that stop? What happened to the incessant texts you sent every day? When did it become so unbearable to put in that tad bit of effort to continue a decent conversation with me?

I got it. And any fool could have seen it. The interest is gone. I shouldn't have let you in again. Had I just closed the door, I'd have only memories of the best of you and what we had but now you have tainted the memories. And I no longer want you to be part of my memories. Not anymore. Goodbye S, it's time I let it go, let you go.