Wrecking ball is really quite a nice song if you can look past the MV or not watch it at all. Miley Cyrus sang with a lot of emotions and I feel the lyrics. Ha well, just a little digression from what I really want to blog about tonight.
I have been thinking for a while now. Should I even post about this topic at all? Not that my blog generates a lot of traffic but well I guess there are people reading or at least trawled by. Well, since I'd want to write about this eventually so why not now when the memories are still vivid and the wound is still raw? With this post, I am drawing a closure and moving on from this bittersweet part of 2013.
So yea, go on and judge me. The title has instantly put a target on my back. I am prepared to subject myself to the judgment of others especially friends who may read my blog. Then again, who has the right to judge other than The Almighty? But even by His Grace I know I have sinned.
Yes, I was the other woman. I wasn't happy being the other woman (no, I had no intention of ruining his marriage) but I was happy with him. We have spent all of a quarter of this year together but like I have mentioned previously there was a lot to smile about in this short span of time.
Less than a handful of close friends knew about this illicit affair that I had (from the time it started) because I was afraid of being judged. But it was almost impossible to hide with all the obvious giveaways from the post-sex glow to the constant blushes and the silly grins that were all too difficult to wipe from my face. And of course the numerous tweets and posts on Instagram that were clearly the by-products of someone who is caught in the web of an oxytocin-induced infatuation. I tried to avoid meeting my friends as much as possible so that I didn't have to explain or talk about this new someone in my life.
The last relationship I had before him was four years ago and I had my fair share of heartaches, betrayal and infidelities all from one same man. I have almost forgotten what it feels like to be with someone. Over the years, I have gotten used to being alone until he came into my life and changed everything. Let's call him 'S'.
S and I met through the most dubious (at least to me) platform - an online application under the bff's recommendation (which I eventually tried out of curiosity). While he chatted me up, he made no excuse that he's taken. In fact, I carried on chatting with him only because I thought we were getting along pretty well. We were fast becoming virtual friends and he made it a point to text me everyday whether or not I replied. Perhaps it was because we were shielded by our keyboards (smartphones in this case), we were comfortable enough to delve into different topics. The fact that S had never once tried to touch on anything lewd (coupled with his occupation) made me lose my defence. I felt safe.
A couple months of to-and-fro texting later finally led to our first meet up. It was impromptu. First time I laid eyes on S (in person) I kinda knew that we would carry on beyond that first meet up. There was no awkward silence only lots of laughter. Maybe because I had no intention of being with him or sleep with him for the matter I was at ease and able to be myself. I could literally LOL to all the jokes and he laughed along with me.
S was quick to arrange for a 2nd date. He gave me a choice to choose the dinner venue and I chose a place where loads of hanky-panky could happen. I knew my choice opened up the possibility for something to happen but I wanted to think that we were not attracted to each other in that manner and even if we were I wanted to think that we both could resist the temptation. And that S didn't chat me up just to get into my pants. The moment I agreed to go up that tower I knew he wanted more than just to hug me. And I was willing to give more than just a hug. Our lips were locked in a long passionate kiss like two hormone-raging teens.
It was like setting off a firework; fast, short-lived but beautiful while it lasted. For the next couple of months to come, S gave me so much attention and yet instead of feeling overwhelmed by it I was actually indulging in it. He conditioned me to crave for more. He made me feel wanted, desired. I actually liked how he would tell me every single day that he misses me even right after he just dropped me off. First time hooking up with someone new can be scary, it can make you feel like a total noobcake but our first time together was nothing like that. It didn't even feel like it was our first time together, he knew all the right buttons to press. And he seems to know me much more in these few months than some of my friends would in many years. He could actually finished off my sentences and read my thoughts. This kind of comfort only made me feel more attached to him.
But this affair wasn't built to last. S withdrew when he felt that the attachment was too much. I guess he was right to do so. Even though I wanted to be with him, I always felt bad to carry on. I ended it thinking that life would just go back to how it was before I met him. Boy, was I wrong. How could things be normal again after a typhoon swept past? I wanted to keep him as a friend but this is obviously not what he wants. As I am writing this, he has already walked away without a word. I never thought that he would do this, he has always been quite honest with his thoughts. But I know this is for the best. I wish him the best.
This long post is dedicated to the man who gave me the happiness I have not felt in a long time. He entered my life at the right moment and being with him made me let go of what I should have years ago. Thank you S. Wherever you are, I hope that you are happy and safe.
