7 Liabilities Of Having A Relationship

I'm gonna sound like a real sour puss writing what I am about to. Because I haven't been in a relationship for a few years now apart from a few casual affairs which are more than enough to make me keep my heart under lock and keys again. 

But let's be real. Being in a relationship DOES come with a whole string of liabilities; they are just not obvious to those who spend most of their time in one (or more). Having been out of the game for a while now, I am able to see clearer that relationships do come with (a number of) liabilities.

1. Bed 

That's my most treasured piece of furniture. Yes, I love my bed and I love making out on the bed and how hot things can get. But no I'm not keen on having someone taking up half of the bed and force me to keep to my side of it like that's all I'm entitled to. And come on, how fun is it to play tug-o-war in a half conscious state of mind? Damn it, give it back will ya? 

2. Space

I loved being around my man but I also treasure alone time with myself. Being in a relationship means having lesser down time with myself. It is especially important to have some down time for an introvert like me to recuperate from the energy consumed. Simply put, alone time is like recharging batteries. 

3. Sleep 

You enjoy each other's company and time flies by before you realise it's way past bedtime. It's okay you would think. To sacrifice sleep just so that you can have more time with each other. The same cycle repeats itself at least a few days on a weekly basis. Lack of sleep has more negative effects than you can fully comprehend - outbreaks, dark circles under your eyes, bad temperaments, mood swing, inability to focus at work/in school. For me, deprave from sleep means my battery was never fully charged. 

4. Tears

Lots of it. Arguments are inevitable in any relationship. And the end result - someone is bound to get hurt. I have hyper active tear ducts and with so much water in my anatomy, I lost buckets of it. 

5. Time

Time is invested to get to know the other half. To learn about his quirks, habits, his likes and dislikes. It doesn't matter if the relationship last all of one week or over a decade, time has been invested and in some cases - wasted. I never truly figure till this day if I have just invested (a lot) or wasted my youth and time on one individual. 

6. Rationality 

Everything is beautiful when you're in love. Your judgment is clouded and you lose the ability to make rational decisions on your own without thinking for the other person. You forget about what you want or need, your mind is filled with how and what is the best for both parties even if it means someone has to give up what he/she really wants. It's called compromise when you're in love but if you would just peel back this layer you would realised that it's just the selfish attempt of one party to mould the other into someone else be it consciously or otherwise. 

7. Emotions/feelings/love

Like time, you invest emotions, you give. And many a time you give more than you think you are capable of giving. You overstretch yourself and when the game ends you'd realise you feel spent and drained. Because you have given way more than you can afford to. 

No, I can't say that I didn't enjoy my relationship(s). I did and I was definitely a willing party. I am just saying looking at it from a different point made me realise that it's not that bad to be alone. At least I have spared myself from all these liabilities. I am able to pamper myself without the burden of guilt. Of course sometimes I do long to be in a relationship again but there's no driving factor that makes me want to jump right back into the game. Maybe it's because I haven't met the one who makes me want to overlook all these liabilities all over again. Or perhaps that someone never really existed at all. But, whatever.

Let It Pour

The lightnings' beautiful but the thunder sounds kinda fearful. It's going to rain tonight. No, it's going to pour. Has it started raining on your side yet? 

Rain. It always reminds me of you. 

It was raining the first time we met. I remembered how I brushed you off when you told me to wait in the car while you fetched the brolly. Told you I was strong and that tad bit of rain wasn't going to make me melt. We walked in the rain together. 

It was raining just before we went out on our first date. We were texting each other endlessly. Told you I love the rain and you said you do too and that you'd love to snuggle with me in bed. It made me smile to myself. 

It was raining heavily the night Forester shook. We sat in the car and watched people walk by after. I enjoyed the moments of silence between us. Even that was comfortable. 

It was raining one morning when I was on my way to work and you happened to be up early. You asked if I needed a ride. I was only steps away from work but I wished I was at home at that moment waiting for you instead. 

'Tis the season where rain will come visiting every (other) day. And it would mean that I would be thinking of you as much. Will you think of me too? I know you won't. You are probably pre-occupied by everything else. 

I know I could probably get used to the status had you not withdrew. But you chose to back out. I should blame you for being so weak. But I don't. I should be angry with you for making me feel this way. But I don't. What you gave was beautiful. 

I should just tell you to walk away once and for all. But I can't. I dunno if you'd call again but I know the next time if you ever do I will jump at the chance to meet you. 

I said I want to leave behind memories of you. One day I will. Just not today. Not on this raining night.

5 Things You Learn When A Relationship Ends Before It Really Starts | Thought Catalog

5 Things You Learn When A Relationship Ends Before It Really Starts | Thought Catalog

This is like the most brilliant article on Thought Catalog thus far that simply and clearly explains how and why I am feeling the way I do even though the relationship is so short-lived. It also explains what I have been trying to put across to those who care that even though it's not love it still hurts.

Yes, no matter how short or brief the relationship was, it hurts. Hurts to know that there could be more (not really in my case). It hurts to walk away from the simple and plain happiness brought out by this brief relationship. It hurts to know that the heart just died once more the minute it got revived and was finally beating again.

Looking @ Your Back View One Last Time

I saw the combed back ponytail that I have noticed on a number of people since you first introduced it to me. What are the odds I thought. That it would really be you. But how could the back view be so familiar too? Looking down to those slippers I knew it was you. 

The part of me that reacted instantly to the familiar view was my heart - it skipped a beat. And all I wanted to do next was to catch your attention subtly while keeping my emotions masked so that no one around me would know. I succeeded. 

I even managed to steal a few glances of your back view and thought about the tattoo on your back. On how I hate tattoo and yet I find it sexy on you. How I loved to look down at you and at your tattoo dreamily while you sent me on cloud nine.

But I'm not happy. When did we stop talking? When did it become okay to stop texting me? 

You used to text me whenever you were near me, no matter the time and no matter what you were engaged in - you would think of me. When did that stop? What happened to the incessant texts you sent every day? When did it become so unbearable to put in that tad bit of effort to continue a decent conversation with me?

I got it. And any fool could have seen it. The interest is gone. I shouldn't have let you in again. Had I just closed the door, I'd have only memories of the best of you and what we had but now you have tainted the memories. And I no longer want you to be part of my memories. Not anymore. Goodbye S, it's time I let it go, let you go. 

An Open Note To The Man I Loved Most

And now we’re apart and you’re just some stranger who knows all my secrets and all my family members and all my quirks and flaws and it doesn’t make sense. ~ Gaby Dunn

Wot makes even lesser sense is that you have decided that I would allow you back into my life with no qualms. Why? Have you forgotten that YOU have (more than once) hurt me so deeply? That YOU were the one who ripped me so badly apart that I am not even sure till now that I have picked up all the pieces? Oh, I forgot. I was the one who said I have forgiven you.

I have changed, you said. Yes, I have. And that's becos you told me to change for me and not you. You feel the change becos I no longer give in to you and no longer hold my tongue back (and I love it). You have changed too. Why have you become so attentive and sweet to me?  And why only now?  You used to be so stingy when it comes to expressing your feelings for me. Why are you uninhibited now?

I am uncertain about whether I should let you walk back into my life.  Yes, I have forgiven you.  Yes, I am ready to be friends. And no, I don't love you anymore. But I am afraid of opening the floodgate that I know I shouldn't. 

We shared so much together. There are so many memories between us, so much we know about each other. It's scary. I don't want to relive those memories, I am afraid to do so. Yet there is no escape if and when we meet. I was overwhelmed by the rush of emotions when I held your face in my hand once more. You were my whole world and yes you dunno how it felt when my whole world crumbled to nothing.

But I'm glad that we didn't make it and I meant it when I said that. I would have been lost in you forever and never found myself. The end of our relationship made me stronger and made me realise that there's someone more worthy to love than you - me. 

So please, since you so unreservedly said you loved me and that you still care, then don't make me weak again. . . I don't have another 11 years to waste. 

You Are My (Current) Favourite Mistake

I'm often amazed by the choices I make in life. They could be for very trivial stuff but are very often bad. And sometimes these choices were only made after much deliberation but still, bad. 

Deliberation does not always equate to putting in proper thoughts and consideration. Sometimes it's just an act of procrastination. And so ya I make bad choices in life. More often than I would like to admit. 

I made yet another just last night. Been telling myself to close the door since you have already walked out but just as I was about to close it you walk right back in and swing the door wide open. And what makes matter worse is I welcome you back in with open arms. WTF was I thinking? I dunno. 

I know I deserve much better than this but how often do I feel such connection with anyone? You're probably the first in a long time. You're not going to walk with me till the end and I don't even know how long you will stick around but I'm happy to indulge in you at least for now.

Confession Of The Other Woman

Wrecking ball is really quite a nice song if you can look past the MV or not watch it at all. Miley Cyrus sang with a lot of emotions and I feel the lyrics. Ha well, just a little digression from what I really want to blog about tonight. 

I have been thinking for a while now. Should I even post about this topic at all? Not that my blog generates a lot of traffic but well I guess there are people reading or at least trawled by. Well, since I'd want to write about this eventually so why not now when the memories are still vivid and the wound is still raw? With this post, I am drawing a closure and moving on from this bittersweet part of 2013.

So yea, go on and judge me. The title has instantly put a target on my back. I am prepared to subject myself to the judgment of others especially friends who may read my blog. Then again, who has the right to judge other than The Almighty? But even by His Grace I know I have sinned.

Yes, I was the other woman. I wasn't happy being the other woman (no, I had no intention of ruining his marriage) but I was happy with him. We have spent all of a quarter of this year together but like I have mentioned previously there was a lot to smile about in this short span of time. 

Less than a handful of close friends knew about this illicit affair that I had (from the time it started) because I was afraid of being judged. But it was almost impossible to hide with all the obvious giveaways from the post-sex glow to the constant blushes and the silly grins that were all too difficult to wipe from my face. And of course the numerous tweets and posts on Instagram that were clearly the by-products of someone who is caught in the web of an oxytocin-induced infatuation. I tried to avoid meeting my friends as much as possible so that I didn't have to explain or talk about this new someone in my life.

The last relationship I had before him was four years ago and I had my fair share of heartaches, betrayal and infidelities all from one same man. I have almost forgotten what it feels like to be with someone. Over the years, I have gotten used to being alone until he came into my life and changed everything. Let's call him 'S'. 

S and I met through the most dubious (at least to me) platform - an online application under the bff's recommendation (which I eventually tried out of curiosity). While he chatted me up, he made no excuse that he's taken. In fact, I carried on chatting with him only because I thought we were getting along pretty well. We were fast becoming virtual friends and he made it a point to text me everyday whether or not I replied. Perhaps it was because we were shielded by our keyboards (smartphones in this case), we were comfortable enough to delve into different topics. The fact that S had never once tried to touch on anything lewd (coupled with his occupation) made me lose my defence. I felt safe. 

A couple months of to-and-fro texting later finally led to our first meet up. It was impromptu. First time I laid eyes on S (in person) I kinda knew that we would carry on beyond that first meet up. There was no awkward silence only lots of laughter. Maybe because I had no intention of being with him or sleep with him for the matter I was at ease and able to be myself. I could literally LOL to all the jokes and he laughed along with me. 

S was quick to arrange for a 2nd date. He gave me a choice to choose the dinner venue and I chose a place where loads of hanky-panky could happen. I knew my choice opened up the possibility for something to happen but I wanted to think that we were not attracted to each other in that manner and even if we were I wanted to think that we both could resist the temptation. And that S didn't chat me up just to get into my pants. The moment I agreed to go up that tower I knew he wanted more than just to hug me. And I was willing to give more than just a hug. Our lips were locked in a long passionate kiss like two hormone-raging teens.

It was like setting off a firework; fast, short-lived but beautiful while it lasted. For the next couple of months to come, S gave me so much attention and yet instead of feeling overwhelmed by it I was actually indulging in it. He conditioned me to crave for more. He made me feel wanted, desired. I actually liked how he would tell me every single day that he misses me even right after he just dropped me off. First time hooking up with someone new can be scary, it can make you feel like a total noobcake but our first time together was nothing like that. It didn't even feel like it was our first time together, he knew all the right buttons to press. And he seems to know me much more in these few months than some of my friends would in many years. He could actually finished off my sentences and read my thoughts. This kind of comfort only made me feel more attached to him.

But this affair wasn't built to last. S withdrew when he felt that the attachment was too much. I guess he was right to do so. Even though I wanted to be with him, I always felt bad to carry on. I ended it thinking that life would just go back to how it was before I met him.  Boy, was I wrong. How could things be normal again after a typhoon swept past? I wanted to keep him as a friend but this is obviously not what he wants. As I am writing this, he has already walked away without a word. I never thought that he would do this, he has always been quite honest with his thoughts. But I know this is for the best. I wish him the best.

This long post is dedicated to the man who gave me the happiness I have not felt in a long time.  He entered my life at the right moment and being with him made me let go of what I should have years ago. Thank you S. Wherever you are, I hope that you are happy and safe. 

Having A Baby. Ready Or Not?

I was thinking about Lunar New Year. Thought about how I'd always felt a tinge of envy whenever my peers compared the amount (in terms of dollars and cents) they got.

Me (and my poor sissy) always have awfully low collection every Lunar New Year because 1) our relatives are real misers (who gives $2 angbao these days?!) and 2) we have only been taking from one side (either parent) for as long as I can remember. 

This led me to think about what I have been considering for a while now (maybe the last year or so). In the event that I don't get married by 35 (which definitely looks likely so) I'd like to have a baby. Yea, a baby. Not keeping a dog or a cat. Have a baby. My own kid, a mini me. 

My own fertility aside (yea, the eggs are diminishing drastically year to year), I'm not worried about the sperm donor. I'm pretty set on whose good genes I want my kid to take after and I'm sure he won't say no to (the act of) procreation. 

But there are a number of nagging questions. They are real and beg careful consideration: 

1. Am I able to go through the pregnancy on my own? 

2. Can I afford to bring up the baby on my own? 

3. Will I be a good mother? Do I know how to be one? 

4. Will I be able to handle the different phases of my kid's life? 

5. There's no quitting to being a mom. Can I take on this lifetime job? 

6. Will I be able to handle the gossipy relatives and proudly confront this judgmental society as a single mom? 

More importantly, as I think about all the if's and how the changes will affect me, I really need to think for this innocent life. Do I want to subject him/her to what I have been through? It's not easy growing up in a single parent family and I know it all too well. Why then should I put another human being through the same just to satisfy my own selfish impulse of wanting to be a mom? 

Maybe the fact that being in a single parent family makes me fight harder than most for what I want and need and at the end of the day I never really feel belong or that I own anything. Hence I want to have something I can truly call my own. But this would mean that yet another human being will eventually feel the same way I felt. I would be starting a vicious cycle, is it worth it?

Oh by the way, happie birthday to the human being made on this day 39 years ago. . .

23 Women On The One Thing Men Can Do In Bed To Make Them Feel Like A Goddess | Thought Catalog

23 Women On The One Thing Men Can Do In Bed To Make Them Feel Like A Goddess | Thought Catalog

Thank you for making me feel like a Goddess in more ways than one.

Now I miss you for more reasons than one. Mostly, I miss how you can make me laugh heartily.

Who would have thought that you would leave such deep impression in such a short span of time? It wasn't love, I know it wasn't. But I can't explain why am I feeling the way I am feeling now.

I'd probably miss you for a while more. I'd probably long for you a while more. Just a little while more.

The 5 Relationships I Had And What I Have Learnt From Them

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10 Rules For Friends With Benefits | Thought Catalog

10 Rules For Friends With Benefits | Thought Catalog

I'd remember not to do #6 the next time, if there's a next time.

Update On My Lululicious Life

It's been almost 2 years since my last blog post. But no, I have no update for 2012. The year was filled with lots of negative feelings and thoughts. I spent most part of 2012 feeling stretched, stressed, belittled, worn out and whatever word you can use to describe a negative state of mind I probably felt it all.  The only good thing I can think of is that I didn't have to face most of the adversities alone.

2013 is significantly different.  I quitted, rested, travelled, started all over again and feeling good about it.  My new role is exciting and challenging. It feels good to be able to present my own ideas and get the acknowledgement/validation. It feels good to know that I am doing something right.

..Something right in the midst of the many wrongs. This year has interestingly been (thus far) one which I am intrinsically tied to the number 3.  Three times three.

This has also been a year of surprises. Surprised at myself that is. Surprised at my uncanny and oh-so-accurate instinct (re CC telling me of the 2nd arrival; I already knew).  Surprised at my ability to completely let go of the past and forgive the man who has caused the deepest heartache. I have spent so much of the last four years hating him and wondering why he would bestowed the life I wanted so much to someone else. I finally heard the answer (although not much of an answer) and saw his reaction but sorry came four years too late.

I used to lurve everything about him and I thought that he was the best I ever had and will ever have.  But when I realised it didn't feel the same anymore it dawned on me that I only felt that way because of the lurve I had for him. He was once all I lived for. He was once the only reason for the smile on my face. I wanted nothing more than growing old with him. I have recently realised that I am ready to forgive and have forgiven. Forgiveness comes easier when lurve is gone and hatred has subsided. I no longer hold my tongue to avoid incurring his wrath; I spout whatever comes to mind.

D, I forgive you

All thanks to Forester. First time in the last four years I dived head first into something knowing fully well that it's a mistake right from the start. Comfort is my achilles' heel. Comfort was what I felt the first time we met. He's charismatic, humble, dorky with a great sense of humour and most of all he makes me feel comfortable in my own skin. Coupled with all the attention he gave, things between us naturally happened at a lightning fast speed.  I knew the relationship was doomed and I was preparing myself for the end right when we began. But I wanted to indulge for as long as I could. There's so much to smile about in the short span of time that we spent together.

A failed relationship plus my own auto defence mechanism made it difficult for me to open up to anyone much less a person I barely knew. But I did anyway and I have no regrets.  He has been an awesome companion. If only I could handle the benefits with no emotional attachment. But how can that even be remotely possible? It may never be (at least not for me) but getting to know him is one of the events that makes 2013 a great year. Thank you lao uncle. . .