Remembering Mr. Lee Kuan Yew

Two Sundays ago, the nation lost its founding father Mr. Lee Kuan Yew.

Last Sunday, after four days of lying in state and more than a million paid their last respects at the Parliament House and at various community tributes, thousands more lined the streets in pouring rain to bid their last goodbyes and say thank you to the man who built this nation.

I was among one of the many who queued to pay my last respect and lined the streets to bid my last goodbye. And I am also one of those young Singaporeans who have taken everything given to us for granted.  For that, I said thank you and sorry when the cortege that carried Mr. Lee Kuan Yew passed by. Sorry for being swayed so easily by naysayers and not stand firm in my belief. Sorry for not understanding that what were done was for the best of us all. 

The national mourning week has indeed been a dark week. Our Prime Minister Mr. Lee Hsien Loong, who is also the son of the late Mr. Lee said during the state funeral that the light that has guided Singapore has been extinguished.  I fully agree.

While we paid our last respects, TV programmes on Mr. Lee gave us a glimpse of the great man's vision, contributions and his life as a husband, father and grandfather. We all got to know him a little better albeit a little too late.

So many of us are guilty of incessant complaints of the seemingly unreasonable laws and rules that were set upon us and on this tiny island without fully understanding why they were implemented in the first place. 

We overlooked the fact that while cost of living is rising, our currency is strong against so many countries and within South East Asia we have a lot more and living far better than many others in neighbouring countries. 

We forgot that this garden city-state is the envy of many; our education system, our thriving economy, our clean garden state and more.  Most of all, we forgot that it's the hard work of Mr. Lee and his team and the pioneer generation who made all these possible.

In his death, Mr. Lee once more united Singapore; we come together from all walks of life and we all felt the same pain and loss. 

Hopefully, in remembering Mr. Lee, we will think about what we have and play our parts together to make Singapore an even better place for our next generation. Mahjulah Singapura! 

We can never thank you enough, Mr. Lee, but thank you for everything we have and own. 

Thank you, Mr. Lee Kuan Yew

This Monday started bluer than usual when the news broke that our founding father Mr. Lee Kuan Yew has passed on. It's not unexpected given that he has been ill for a while and PMO has been sending out statements to update on his waning health. But it is still deeply saddening to hear of it. On 23 March 2015, 3.18 am, Mr. Lee Kuan Yew left us and the entire Singapore is now grieving together.

I don't remember the last time I feel so sad about someone's demise other than the grandparents and nanny's. But the late Mr. Lee is not just someone. He's the man behind the success of Singapore; the instrumental figure in transforming Singapore from a 3rd world country to a 1st world nation. A nation envied by many, a nation we are all proud to call home. 

So yes, that explains the endless streams of tears that flowed for someone I never had the honour to even meet. The heartache is earnest and real; the pain is akin to losing someone dear. It is extremely saddening to know that he won't be around to celebrate the nation's jubilee; a nation that may not have the chance to celebrate what we have achieved so far if not for him.

My greatest impression of the late Mr. Lee was when I saw him cried on national TV when he stepped down as the Prime Minister. The eight-year-old me couldn't comprehend but I understood then that he must have been very sad for him to cry in public. I remember asking the grandpop why did he cry to which grandpop said, "because he is stepping down as the Prime Minister. This is the man who built Singapore don't you think he'd be sad to step down?" Why then did he step down if he doesn't want to? The curious child with her incessant questions asked on. "So that he can nurture the next generation of leader my dear child." That was the first time I learnt of 'the man who built Singapore'. 

Many of us would have witnessed the passing of some honourable leaders including the late presidents Mr. Wee Kim Wee and Mr. Ong Teng Cheong. And many including myself have wondered then what would it be like if LKY passes on, would the government declare the day a public holiday to commemorate him? It's not about gaining an additional public holiday from his demise but that we are all plainly aware of his stature and prominence to us and to Singapore. When the thought became a reality, all of us are left mourning the loss.

A simple thank you is never enough for the hard work you put in to bring us to where we are today. I am honoured to know of such a gallant and fearless leader in my lifetime. A leader that the future generations will only learn about through history books. 

Rest in peace, Mr. Lee Kuan Yew. You have worked hard enough for us all, it's time to continue the journey with the love of your life.  The legacy you left behind will be one that will be remembered by all Singaporeans for many generations to come.

I salute you, Sir. Singapore salutes you.

Conflicted Emotions

So much of wanting to blog regularly; the last post was more than six months ago.

First quarter of 2015 is almost coming to an end but there is nothing much to update for 2014. Things have been quite mundane, it'd be good if there was more excitement. Even the trip to Taiwan is not worth mentioning but the weather was really good though. All I can say is Taiwan and I are probably not fated.  Everyone else I know had so much fun but both trips were below par for me. 

Emotions. Most of my posts are emotionally-charged; someone would trigger the emotions. This post is no different. 

Tonight I am going to blog about you. You who have hanged around for more than a decade. You who brought me the greatest joy and left me with the deepest hurt. 

You who make me feel conflicted every time we meet. Really conflicted. Someone has done the favour of helping me get over our past which led me to finally be able to forgive you. Then I allowed you to come back into my life and I allowed us to go back into a all-too-familiar routine. The routine we both can't stop hanging on to.

But each time we meet only opens up a little more of the past I thought I have forgotten. It made me realise that forgiving does not equate to forgetting; our past is still haunting me. I am still sore about the choice you made and your explanation doesn't make me feel any better. In fact, it only makes me feel worse. I can't help but think that I should have fought harder for you and for us. Things could have been different. Today's outcome is the repercussion of allowing you to have things your way in yesteryears. 

You could never fully explain why you deprave me of the chance. And I will never be able to truly rest in peace because of that.

Being with you makes me upset because I carry the burden of our past yet at the same time the comfort I always feel with you is irreplaceable . You know I meant it when I said I would never be able to do the nonsense I did in anyone else's presence. You make me so damn C.O.N.F.L.I.C.T.E.D.

When I told you that I would stop seeing you if I start a serious relationship with someone else, you were confident enough to say that you and I would never stop because it's you. Such brass confidence but it only shows you know how much you meant to me and how selfish you truly are.

I am not going to let you ruin the future when another person comes in my life. No, I won't. You have broke me more than enough. And you know that.

What I really wanted to tell you the other night is that I don't know if I'd be able to love anyone else because I no longer love you. I am in doubt of whether I'd be able to love again because I don't love the man I loved most anymore.

Unless you can change our future (which we both know can never change), if not, please let our past die. . .

All In One

Almost three months since I last blogged. My last post was of course on the topic/person that occupied my mind at that time. 

I have so many things to say. So I'm going to do a word vomit for this post and throw everything up in one. 

I can't do this chronologically else it'd all not make any sense (as if I make a lot of sense). 

Gonna start with my first solo trip to Hong Kong and Shenzhen. It was a superb experience! The weather was great, food was wonderful but shopping a lil meh though. Still awesome in every way! 

The experience of being in a (not so) foreign land on my own is so fun. It's okay to get lost along the way and be aimless without feeling guilty or obligated towards anyone. I'd definitely do another solo trip again.

And Shenzhen. OMG Shenzhen! This land of the PRCs was beyond my imagination! The place is developing so well it's no wonder why JY doesn't want to come back. Gone were the days where it carried the notorious reputation of having more criminals than workers and THE place for the rich and famous to keep their mistresses.

The city is so clean and it feels so safe (no motorcycles on the road can you imagine?!). Greenery's really green, no kidding! But what mattered most is that JY has planned the itinerary so well that I can only say I'm in awe of Shenzhen in so many ways. OCT Bay took my breathe away, so beautiful!

To be honest, half of this trip was for JY and I totally enjoyed his company (and his remarkable singing) except that he could like make me feel more wanted.. especially after I have been with someone who wanted me so much, the contrast is so stark. :/

SS said I need to get away to get over. Well yes it did help. Although it wasn't a life-changing trip but it has injected enough memories for me to acknowledge that BS is a matter of the past. And I am no longer hung up over him.

Him.. I finally managed to take a peek at his FB and put a face and a name to the term. HT happens to know her and I was told that she is a very nice and soft spoken person. They are so compatible and look so loving together.

I was reminded of the many occasions when he spoke softly and I could never hear him. 

She and I are so different. I am no doubt the change that he needed from what he has taken for granted. And it has perhaps made him treasure her more. I could finally understand why he would feel so guilty towards the both of us. 

Knowing what she's like made me feel guilty too. She did no wrong to deserve such betrayal. I thought of those times he incessantly text me when she was around. How did he manage to split himself between us? 

What we did was wrong. We should never have overstepped the boundary. But I don't regret meeting him; he was in my life for a reason.

Now I can only hope that he doesn't repeat the mistake again and that I'm his last. And Mrs. K, I owe you this - I'm sorry. For your sake, I hope you'd never find out.

I knew all too well what it was like when the one you love betrayed in every way imaginable.

Someone I am close to was dating CS's colleague and she was crying over him. Seeing her upset and bawled so openly made me think of CS and I; how I did the exact same thing and the trauma he put me through. 

I no longer feel the ache but it brought back some painful memories. Some say when you begin to forget it means that it doesn't mean anything anymore. I fully agree. 

"People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime"

Was CS in my life for a reason too?  But he has stayed more than one season and left me scars that would last a lifetime.. No matter, I have learnt.

Thank you all for gracing my life with your presence. For the doses of joy each of you brought into the life of an introvert.

In my opinion, introverts are the most misunderstood people on earth.  For many years, my perpetual yawning and constant 'low batt' moments makes people around me think that I am always tired.

Now I'm fully embracing the fact that I am an introvert. That it's not that I am always tired, it's just that I people out easily. Extroverts will never understand that mingling takes up loads of our energy and when I do hang out I only conserve enough energy to last one burst.

Time alone is how we recuperate. Explains why I like to spend time alone. Sacrificing our alone time for those we care means a lot to us introverts. Sigh.. Sadly, this is not something the opposites can ever understand fully. Oh well, such is life.. 

Maybe I Did Love You

Some people try hard to be who they are not while others try hard not to be who they really are. 

I am both. 

I try hard to be strong when I'm not. And I try hard not to be vulnerable by masking my deepest emotions.

I am but human. I cry, I laugh, I fear. I am capable of feeling all the emotions any human would. The worst feeling of all is to admit that I am afraid to be abandoned. 

It has been four months since we last spoke. Four months since you tried to reach out. You have long moved on from this episode. I should also be done mourning the loss by now especially if I have been insisting that what I felt for you is not love. 

Then why are my memories at a standstill? How is it that the world continues to spin while leaving me behind? Alone to confront my own weakness. 

Maybe I did love you and knew it all along. Maybe I just refuse to admit so becos I dun want people around to think lesser of me. For falling in love so easily. Maybe I don't want to face my own foolishness for opening up my heart to someone I barely knew.

Maybe I did love you. I love how you were able to make me laugh so easily. I love how you would walk with your arms around me like as if I was your prized possession. I love how you would tuck my hair away gently just to look at me. I love how you would remember everything I said even those that I mentioned casually. I love how you would tremble subtly whenever I touched you. I love how you would surprise me in so many ways with your little gestures.

Most of all, I love the connection we had. You made me comfortable in your presence. You know, I didn't even feel a tad bit of awkwardness when you tried to hug me on our 2nd date? I remember how I felt you hard on the small of my back. You smiled sheepishly. I thought your reaction was rather cute. 

Your appearance in my life is a necessity. You came into my life at the right time. To prevent me from turning into a grumpy old hag filled with hatred and spite. Your existence has made me let go of the past. Of the most painful part of my memories. 

But now you have become that painful memory. The memories you left are beautiful. It's painful only becos I can't let it go. Everything reminds me of you. The road leading to my office, I walk through it almost every morning and it reminds me of Forester driving through the same way. And how you were always so keen to steal a kiss before dropping me off. 

The coffeeshop you brought me to for breakfast | The walk we had at East Coast Park accompanied by the sighting of a toad | The random stranger who sports the same hairstyle | The restaurant where you didn't enjoy the food but agreed to go becos I wanted to | The night scene at Gardens by the Bay | The way you would pronounce 'yes' and 'of course' | The many raining days and nights | The movie you didn't like but watched becos I wanted to (again) | The many Foresters I see on the road and wonder why none of it is yours | The uncles sitting at the hawker centre enjoying their kopi like you would | The radio channel you would listen to and sing along freely in the car | The haze that is returning | The sweet delights you would buy for my tea breaks | The warmth I felt from holding someone else's body hoping he was you. 

It's time I move on from these memories. I want to forget. I need to close this chapter.

I am not sorry that we met. But I am sorry that we overstep the invisible boundary. I am sorry that maybe I did love you.

If there is another life, I'd love to meet you again. This time let's meet earlier so that I won't have to regret that I can't keep you with me. And be where I want to with you. Wherever you are, I hope you will always be happy and safe.

You Are Not Important Enough For Me To Give This Post A Title

I should be starting 2014 with a pleasant post. It should be one of those posts that reviews what have happened in 2013 and what I will work towards in 2014. I will save that for another time perhaps.

For now, let's talk about social media. The different platforms of social media that I am on.

Facebook: privacy activated.
Twitter: tweets protected.

Adding to the list very recently, Instagram: privacy activated. And you BLOCKED. Did you manage to trawl through all the pictures that I have shared? Have you found me on other platforms too? Keep trying, I have more presence than you know of.  

I know you have been checking me out on various social media platforms. And I know that you have made sure that I know of it. I also know what prompted your sudden interest to look me up again. 

You have probably read through this blog too. Do you like what you read? If you think that I will put it all out there for you to read like all those years ago, you may want to think again. Back then, I wanted you to know. To know that I have been in the game long before your existence. 

These days, I prefer subtlety. It's better this way, don't you think?

7 Liabilities Of Having A Relationship

I'm gonna sound like a real sour puss writing what I am about to. Because I haven't been in a relationship for a few years now apart from a few casual affairs which are more than enough to make me keep my heart under lock and keys again. 

But let's be real. Being in a relationship DOES come with a whole string of liabilities; they are just not obvious to those who spend most of their time in one (or more). Having been out of the game for a while now, I am able to see clearer that relationships do come with (a number of) liabilities.

1. Bed 

That's my most treasured piece of furniture. Yes, I love my bed and I love making out on the bed and how hot things can get. But no I'm not keen on having someone taking up half of the bed and force me to keep to my side of it like that's all I'm entitled to. And come on, how fun is it to play tug-o-war in a half conscious state of mind? Damn it, give it back will ya? 

2. Space

I loved being around my man but I also treasure alone time with myself. Being in a relationship means having lesser down time with myself. It is especially important to have some down time for an introvert like me to recuperate from the energy consumed. Simply put, alone time is like recharging batteries. 

3. Sleep 

You enjoy each other's company and time flies by before you realise it's way past bedtime. It's okay you would think. To sacrifice sleep just so that you can have more time with each other. The same cycle repeats itself at least a few days on a weekly basis. Lack of sleep has more negative effects than you can fully comprehend - outbreaks, dark circles under your eyes, bad temperaments, mood swing, inability to focus at work/in school. For me, deprave from sleep means my battery was never fully charged. 

4. Tears

Lots of it. Arguments are inevitable in any relationship. And the end result - someone is bound to get hurt. I have hyper active tear ducts and with so much water in my anatomy, I lost buckets of it. 

5. Time

Time is invested to get to know the other half. To learn about his quirks, habits, his likes and dislikes. It doesn't matter if the relationship last all of one week or over a decade, time has been invested and in some cases - wasted. I never truly figure till this day if I have just invested (a lot) or wasted my youth and time on one individual. 

6. Rationality 

Everything is beautiful when you're in love. Your judgment is clouded and you lose the ability to make rational decisions on your own without thinking for the other person. You forget about what you want or need, your mind is filled with how and what is the best for both parties even if it means someone has to give up what he/she really wants. It's called compromise when you're in love but if you would just peel back this layer you would realised that it's just the selfish attempt of one party to mould the other into someone else be it consciously or otherwise. 

7. Emotions/feelings/love

Like time, you invest emotions, you give. And many a time you give more than you think you are capable of giving. You overstretch yourself and when the game ends you'd realise you feel spent and drained. Because you have given way more than you can afford to. 

No, I can't say that I didn't enjoy my relationship(s). I did and I was definitely a willing party. I am just saying looking at it from a different point made me realise that it's not that bad to be alone. At least I have spared myself from all these liabilities. I am able to pamper myself without the burden of guilt. Of course sometimes I do long to be in a relationship again but there's no driving factor that makes me want to jump right back into the game. Maybe it's because I haven't met the one who makes me want to overlook all these liabilities all over again. Or perhaps that someone never really existed at all. But, whatever.

Let It Pour

The lightnings' beautiful but the thunder sounds kinda fearful. It's going to rain tonight. No, it's going to pour. Has it started raining on your side yet? 

Rain. It always reminds me of you. 

It was raining the first time we met. I remembered how I brushed you off when you told me to wait in the car while you fetched the brolly. Told you I was strong and that tad bit of rain wasn't going to make me melt. We walked in the rain together. 

It was raining just before we went out on our first date. We were texting each other endlessly. Told you I love the rain and you said you do too and that you'd love to snuggle with me in bed. It made me smile to myself. 

It was raining heavily the night Forester shook. We sat in the car and watched people walk by after. I enjoyed the moments of silence between us. Even that was comfortable. 

It was raining one morning when I was on my way to work and you happened to be up early. You asked if I needed a ride. I was only steps away from work but I wished I was at home at that moment waiting for you instead. 

'Tis the season where rain will come visiting every (other) day. And it would mean that I would be thinking of you as much. Will you think of me too? I know you won't. You are probably pre-occupied by everything else. 

I know I could probably get used to the status had you not withdrew. But you chose to back out. I should blame you for being so weak. But I don't. I should be angry with you for making me feel this way. But I don't. What you gave was beautiful. 

I should just tell you to walk away once and for all. But I can't. I dunno if you'd call again but I know the next time if you ever do I will jump at the chance to meet you. 

I said I want to leave behind memories of you. One day I will. Just not today. Not on this raining night.

5 Things You Learn When A Relationship Ends Before It Really Starts | Thought Catalog

5 Things You Learn When A Relationship Ends Before It Really Starts | Thought Catalog

This is like the most brilliant article on Thought Catalog thus far that simply and clearly explains how and why I am feeling the way I do even though the relationship is so short-lived. It also explains what I have been trying to put across to those who care that even though it's not love it still hurts.

Yes, no matter how short or brief the relationship was, it hurts. Hurts to know that there could be more (not really in my case). It hurts to walk away from the simple and plain happiness brought out by this brief relationship. It hurts to know that the heart just died once more the minute it got revived and was finally beating again.

Looking @ Your Back View One Last Time

I saw the combed back ponytail that I have noticed on a number of people since you first introduced it to me. What are the odds I thought. That it would really be you. But how could the back view be so familiar too? Looking down to those slippers I knew it was you. 

The part of me that reacted instantly to the familiar view was my heart - it skipped a beat. And all I wanted to do next was to catch your attention subtly while keeping my emotions masked so that no one around me would know. I succeeded. 

I even managed to steal a few glances of your back view and thought about the tattoo on your back. On how I hate tattoo and yet I find it sexy on you. How I loved to look down at you and at your tattoo dreamily while you sent me on cloud nine.

But I'm not happy. When did we stop talking? When did it become okay to stop texting me? 

You used to text me whenever you were near me, no matter the time and no matter what you were engaged in - you would think of me. When did that stop? What happened to the incessant texts you sent every day? When did it become so unbearable to put in that tad bit of effort to continue a decent conversation with me?

I got it. And any fool could have seen it. The interest is gone. I shouldn't have let you in again. Had I just closed the door, I'd have only memories of the best of you and what we had but now you have tainted the memories. And I no longer want you to be part of my memories. Not anymore. Goodbye S, it's time I let it go, let you go. 

An Open Note To The Man I Loved Most

And now we’re apart and you’re just some stranger who knows all my secrets and all my family members and all my quirks and flaws and it doesn’t make sense. ~ Gaby Dunn

Wot makes even lesser sense is that you have decided that I would allow you back into my life with no qualms. Why? Have you forgotten that YOU have (more than once) hurt me so deeply? That YOU were the one who ripped me so badly apart that I am not even sure till now that I have picked up all the pieces? Oh, I forgot. I was the one who said I have forgiven you.

I have changed, you said. Yes, I have. And that's becos you told me to change for me and not you. You feel the change becos I no longer give in to you and no longer hold my tongue back (and I love it). You have changed too. Why have you become so attentive and sweet to me?  And why only now?  You used to be so stingy when it comes to expressing your feelings for me. Why are you uninhibited now?

I am uncertain about whether I should let you walk back into my life.  Yes, I have forgiven you.  Yes, I am ready to be friends. And no, I don't love you anymore. But I am afraid of opening the floodgate that I know I shouldn't. 

We shared so much together. There are so many memories between us, so much we know about each other. It's scary. I don't want to relive those memories, I am afraid to do so. Yet there is no escape if and when we meet. I was overwhelmed by the rush of emotions when I held your face in my hand once more. You were my whole world and yes you dunno how it felt when my whole world crumbled to nothing.

But I'm glad that we didn't make it and I meant it when I said that. I would have been lost in you forever and never found myself. The end of our relationship made me stronger and made me realise that there's someone more worthy to love than you - me. 

So please, since you so unreservedly said you loved me and that you still care, then don't make me weak again. . . I don't have another 11 years to waste. 

You Are My (Current) Favourite Mistake

I'm often amazed by the choices I make in life. They could be for very trivial stuff but are very often bad. And sometimes these choices were only made after much deliberation but still, bad. 

Deliberation does not always equate to putting in proper thoughts and consideration. Sometimes it's just an act of procrastination. And so ya I make bad choices in life. More often than I would like to admit. 

I made yet another just last night. Been telling myself to close the door since you have already walked out but just as I was about to close it you walk right back in and swing the door wide open. And what makes matter worse is I welcome you back in with open arms. WTF was I thinking? I dunno. 

I know I deserve much better than this but how often do I feel such connection with anyone? You're probably the first in a long time. You're not going to walk with me till the end and I don't even know how long you will stick around but I'm happy to indulge in you at least for now.

Confession Of The Other Woman

Wrecking ball is really quite a nice song if you can look past the MV or not watch it at all. Miley Cyrus sang with a lot of emotions and I feel the lyrics. Ha well, just a little digression from what I really want to blog about tonight. 

I have been thinking for a while now. Should I even post about this topic at all? Not that my blog generates a lot of traffic but well I guess there are people reading or at least trawled by. Well, since I'd want to write about this eventually so why not now when the memories are still vivid and the wound is still raw? With this post, I am drawing a closure and moving on from this bittersweet part of 2013.

So yea, go on and judge me. The title has instantly put a target on my back. I am prepared to subject myself to the judgment of others especially friends who may read my blog. Then again, who has the right to judge other than The Almighty? But even by His Grace I know I have sinned.

Yes, I was the other woman. I wasn't happy being the other woman (no, I had no intention of ruining his marriage) but I was happy with him. We have spent all of a quarter of this year together but like I have mentioned previously there was a lot to smile about in this short span of time. 

Less than a handful of close friends knew about this illicit affair that I had (from the time it started) because I was afraid of being judged. But it was almost impossible to hide with all the obvious giveaways from the post-sex glow to the constant blushes and the silly grins that were all too difficult to wipe from my face. And of course the numerous tweets and posts on Instagram that were clearly the by-products of someone who is caught in the web of an oxytocin-induced infatuation. I tried to avoid meeting my friends as much as possible so that I didn't have to explain or talk about this new someone in my life.

The last relationship I had before him was four years ago and I had my fair share of heartaches, betrayal and infidelities all from one same man. I have almost forgotten what it feels like to be with someone. Over the years, I have gotten used to being alone until he came into my life and changed everything. Let's call him 'S'. 

S and I met through the most dubious (at least to me) platform - an online application under the bff's recommendation (which I eventually tried out of curiosity). While he chatted me up, he made no excuse that he's taken. In fact, I carried on chatting with him only because I thought we were getting along pretty well. We were fast becoming virtual friends and he made it a point to text me everyday whether or not I replied. Perhaps it was because we were shielded by our keyboards (smartphones in this case), we were comfortable enough to delve into different topics. The fact that S had never once tried to touch on anything lewd (coupled with his occupation) made me lose my defence. I felt safe. 

A couple months of to-and-fro texting later finally led to our first meet up. It was impromptu. First time I laid eyes on S (in person) I kinda knew that we would carry on beyond that first meet up. There was no awkward silence only lots of laughter. Maybe because I had no intention of being with him or sleep with him for the matter I was at ease and able to be myself. I could literally LOL to all the jokes and he laughed along with me. 

S was quick to arrange for a 2nd date. He gave me a choice to choose the dinner venue and I chose a place where loads of hanky-panky could happen. I knew my choice opened up the possibility for something to happen but I wanted to think that we were not attracted to each other in that manner and even if we were I wanted to think that we both could resist the temptation. And that S didn't chat me up just to get into my pants. The moment I agreed to go up that tower I knew he wanted more than just to hug me. And I was willing to give more than just a hug. Our lips were locked in a long passionate kiss like two hormone-raging teens.

It was like setting off a firework; fast, short-lived but beautiful while it lasted. For the next couple of months to come, S gave me so much attention and yet instead of feeling overwhelmed by it I was actually indulging in it. He conditioned me to crave for more. He made me feel wanted, desired. I actually liked how he would tell me every single day that he misses me even right after he just dropped me off. First time hooking up with someone new can be scary, it can make you feel like a total noobcake but our first time together was nothing like that. It didn't even feel like it was our first time together, he knew all the right buttons to press. And he seems to know me much more in these few months than some of my friends would in many years. He could actually finished off my sentences and read my thoughts. This kind of comfort only made me feel more attached to him.

But this affair wasn't built to last. S withdrew when he felt that the attachment was too much. I guess he was right to do so. Even though I wanted to be with him, I always felt bad to carry on. I ended it thinking that life would just go back to how it was before I met him.  Boy, was I wrong. How could things be normal again after a typhoon swept past? I wanted to keep him as a friend but this is obviously not what he wants. As I am writing this, he has already walked away without a word. I never thought that he would do this, he has always been quite honest with his thoughts. But I know this is for the best. I wish him the best.

This long post is dedicated to the man who gave me the happiness I have not felt in a long time.  He entered my life at the right moment and being with him made me let go of what I should have years ago. Thank you S. Wherever you are, I hope that you are happy and safe. 

Having A Baby. Ready Or Not?

I was thinking about Lunar New Year. Thought about how I'd always felt a tinge of envy whenever my peers compared the amount (in terms of dollars and cents) they got.

Me (and my poor sissy) always have awfully low collection every Lunar New Year because 1) our relatives are real misers (who gives $2 angbao these days?!) and 2) we have only been taking from one side (either parent) for as long as I can remember. 

This led me to think about what I have been considering for a while now (maybe the last year or so). In the event that I don't get married by 35 (which definitely looks likely so) I'd like to have a baby. Yea, a baby. Not keeping a dog or a cat. Have a baby. My own kid, a mini me. 

My own fertility aside (yea, the eggs are diminishing drastically year to year), I'm not worried about the sperm donor. I'm pretty set on whose good genes I want my kid to take after and I'm sure he won't say no to (the act of) procreation. 

But there are a number of nagging questions. They are real and beg careful consideration: 

1. Am I able to go through the pregnancy on my own? 

2. Can I afford to bring up the baby on my own? 

3. Will I be a good mother? Do I know how to be one? 

4. Will I be able to handle the different phases of my kid's life? 

5. There's no quitting to being a mom. Can I take on this lifetime job? 

6. Will I be able to handle the gossipy relatives and proudly confront this judgmental society as a single mom? 

More importantly, as I think about all the if's and how the changes will affect me, I really need to think for this innocent life. Do I want to subject him/her to what I have been through? It's not easy growing up in a single parent family and I know it all too well. Why then should I put another human being through the same just to satisfy my own selfish impulse of wanting to be a mom? 

Maybe the fact that being in a single parent family makes me fight harder than most for what I want and need and at the end of the day I never really feel belong or that I own anything. Hence I want to have something I can truly call my own. But this would mean that yet another human being will eventually feel the same way I felt. I would be starting a vicious cycle, is it worth it?

Oh by the way, happie birthday to the human being made on this day 39 years ago. . .

23 Women On The One Thing Men Can Do In Bed To Make Them Feel Like A Goddess | Thought Catalog

23 Women On The One Thing Men Can Do In Bed To Make Them Feel Like A Goddess | Thought Catalog

Thank you for making me feel like a Goddess in more ways than one.

Now I miss you for more reasons than one. Mostly, I miss how you can make me laugh heartily.

Who would have thought that you would leave such deep impression in such a short span of time? It wasn't love, I know it wasn't. But I can't explain why am I feeling the way I am feeling now.

I'd probably miss you for a while more. I'd probably long for you a while more. Just a little while more.

The 5 Relationships I Had And What I Have Learnt From Them

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10 Rules For Friends With Benefits | Thought Catalog

10 Rules For Friends With Benefits | Thought Catalog

I'd remember not to do #6 the next time, if there's a next time.

Update On My Lululicious Life

It's been almost 2 years since my last blog post. But no, I have no update for 2012. The year was filled with lots of negative feelings and thoughts. I spent most part of 2012 feeling stretched, stressed, belittled, worn out and whatever word you can use to describe a negative state of mind I probably felt it all.  The only good thing I can think of is that I didn't have to face most of the adversities alone.

2013 is significantly different.  I quitted, rested, travelled, started all over again and feeling good about it.  My new role is exciting and challenging. It feels good to be able to present my own ideas and get the acknowledgement/validation. It feels good to know that I am doing something right.

..Something right in the midst of the many wrongs. This year has interestingly been (thus far) one which I am intrinsically tied to the number 3.  Three times three.

This has also been a year of surprises. Surprised at myself that is. Surprised at my uncanny and oh-so-accurate instinct (re CC telling me of the 2nd arrival; I already knew).  Surprised at my ability to completely let go of the past and forgive the man who has caused the deepest heartache. I have spent so much of the last four years hating him and wondering why he would bestowed the life I wanted so much to someone else. I finally heard the answer (although not much of an answer) and saw his reaction but sorry came four years too late.

I used to lurve everything about him and I thought that he was the best I ever had and will ever have.  But when I realised it didn't feel the same anymore it dawned on me that I only felt that way because of the lurve I had for him. He was once all I lived for. He was once the only reason for the smile on my face. I wanted nothing more than growing old with him. I have recently realised that I am ready to forgive and have forgiven. Forgiveness comes easier when lurve is gone and hatred has subsided. I no longer hold my tongue to avoid incurring his wrath; I spout whatever comes to mind.

D, I forgive you

All thanks to Forester. First time in the last four years I dived head first into something knowing fully well that it's a mistake right from the start. Comfort is my achilles' heel. Comfort was what I felt the first time we met. He's charismatic, humble, dorky with a great sense of humour and most of all he makes me feel comfortable in my own skin. Coupled with all the attention he gave, things between us naturally happened at a lightning fast speed.  I knew the relationship was doomed and I was preparing myself for the end right when we began. But I wanted to indulge for as long as I could. There's so much to smile about in the short span of time that we spent together.

A failed relationship plus my own auto defence mechanism made it difficult for me to open up to anyone much less a person I barely knew. But I did anyway and I have no regrets.  He has been an awesome companion. If only I could handle the benefits with no emotional attachment. But how can that even be remotely possible? It may never be (at least not for me) but getting to know him is one of the events that makes 2013 a great year. Thank you lao uncle. . .

Riding Tat Wave

Aaaaaahhhhhh..... Today is one of those days I managed to finish most of my work and come home fairly early with of course a decent amount of brain cells left so I decided to spend a lil time blogging. For the first time on my pad pad. :) And not forgetting to ride on the last wave of 'post' emotions to do so.

Have just been reminded today of how fragile life is and how we should treasure people around us before it's too late. I had a relationship with someone who would often tell me how much I meant to him becos "he didn't want to regret not saying when it's all too late" but I gave up that relationship for someone who didn't give two hoots about my feelings or even my existence. And the greatest irony is I gave my all to him and became the one who constantly proclaimed my lurve becos I too didn't want to regret.

Have been told that this blog is filled with posts of my past when I have ironically stated that I'd leave the soil unturned. It probably gave the impression that I have never truly gotten over. But honestly, do I have to completely stop talking about the past before people will finally acknowledge that hmmmmmm.....perhaps MAT is absolutely over it. Well, I have not come across anyone who has not mentioned anything of their past thus far. Yes, I get it that people speak of their past in general while I seem to be overly focused on one aspect.

I believe there's a difference between getting over and forgetting. I have definitely gotten over. I am fortunate that my prayer was answered and getting over was an almost painless affair. But forgotten? I dun think it would even be remotely possible to totally forget something that once formed the greatest part of my life. How can anyone completely swear off the very thing that used to make their life whole?

It is regretful that I have to waste seven years to learn the lesson but I have learnt nonetheless. I dunno wot the future holds in terms of my lurve life (or lack thereof) but I know that the mistakes will never be repeated for anyone else. If karma is real, then he must be my karma for the avalanche of hurt that I have caused others. It is really infuriating to see him live in bliss and I hope karma too will befall unto him in hundred thousands folds! Stoopid ole fooker...

Surviving First Month & Expecting The Unexpected

Have been wanting to blog about my new job since the first week but work has been rather hectic and that leaves me pretty drained on other times when I am not working.  And I didn't want to wrongly jump to any conclusion.

And so, first month has been.. yes, hectic.  If someone were to ask me now if I think PR is for me, I wouldn't be able to truthfully answer that just yet as there are many other aspects that make up PR that I have yet learn.  But I like what I have been doing thus far and I would lurve to learn about everything else soon.  However, what I can say for now is that this new job has taught me 2 things that I have been meaning to do - being punctual and poker face.

Ha! I have been punctual alright!  But I am still learning and trying hard to keep my emotions masked.  I should have learnt this long ago but have not been getting down to it and then comes the job that gives me the perfect reason to do so.  I am hoping to emerge a poker face practitioner soon!  :))

Then there is the unexpected.  So much so that it unexpectedly broke me.  Yes it did, you win again ole fooker.  All these while when people posed the hypothetical question of what would I do if he initiate contact again, I would confidently reply that that day would not come, he would not do so becos I have clearly told him to leave me alone and given his character I knew I won't hear from him again.  And so becos I treated the question as hypothetical, I never had an answer to it becos I didn't think there would ever be a need.  I was that confident.

Receiving his text totally stunned me.  I didn't recognise the number at first but it looked awfully familiar and it took me less than 2 mins to realise who it was.  I was not prepared to ever receive a text from him again especially not when a thot of him just flashed by seconds before that (eerie..).  I mean it has been almost 3 years and he is a father now, why the hell does he still need to know how am I doing now???????  What is it to you whether I have moved on well or not??????? 

I thot I have clearly conveyed to his bestest fren how impossible it is for me to ever forgive him.  And I don't believe he didn't tell him that at all??  Well, forgiving him is not in my agenda; not then, not now and not ever.  In actuality, all it takes is that one word to lessen the hatred and I could have been appeased but it's too late now.  That's him; forever callous towards how I feel.  This time I am very sure he won't ever try to initiate contact again.

So many years later and you are still so selfish.  You broke me and I won't let you do it again.  You read it right.  I will bring this hatred for you to my grave.